My Love Affair With Food

So of course everyone has had the "bad" relationship; myself included. I've had a few. I've always believed that as long as you learn something from them, there's a reason for them to of happened. Each of them eventually make you who you are and usually that's not such a bad thing. So what happens when that relationship is with something you can't live without?

I was a pretty easy target since I was so gullible .

As early as I can remember food has been a large part of my life. I actually mean way more so than anyone else I know. (Bare with me by the way, this post is one of the hardest for me so far. Very personal.) When I was young I was seriously teased (or bullied if you want to use a more modern term). It was, from my memories, some pretty intense teasing. I remembered being the target of some nasty people growing up. I guess I was a pretty easy target since I was so gullible I believed almost everything I was told. Most of the time the result of my belief ended up being a huge disappointment.

Coming home from school in tears to find lemon meringue pies.

It started young for me, my relationship with food. I learned really young to find comfort in sweets and home made yummys. Some of my earliest memories are of my coming home from school in tears to find lemon meringue pies or nuns legs, or something sweet ready for me. It never failed to help me to temporarily forget how bad of a day I had and it gave me a ton of comfort very early in my life.

Food never let me down and it was always there when I needed it.

Of course when I was young I can't really say I thought of things this way but it just became a habit. The older I got the easier the access. I remember high school and the same comfort in food was there for me too. So from public school to high school food has been my friend, my rock, my comfort. Even when I moved away from home I still had my love affair with food. When I was involved with the wrong men, the wrong people, the wrong drugs, the wrong job, the wrong whatever, food was there for me to make me feel better.

Of course the bigger I got the more I ate

Of course the older I became the more I realized that although food made me feel good, it also wasn't good for me. I started to put on weight when I was around 10 or so. I was always taller and bigger boned as a child so the teasing began younger and so did my bad habits of eating to feel good and eating to deal with things. So of course the bigger I got the more I ate because I started to get depressed about my weight.

Now the cycle of what people call yo-yo dieting kicks in and I lose some weight and do really well for a certain amount of time and then I fall off the wagon, feel bad and start eating like hell again. It's a never ending cycle and each time I gain the weight back and then some! Even being totally aware of my comfort eating really never has done me any good. I can control it for a certain amount of time but as a life long habit, it kicks back in again.

You literally, physically cannot eat what you used to be able to eat.

I questioned my decision at first about whether or not I should actually do this surgery because the same issues will be there after I'm done but my stomach will just be smaller. From what I've been learning lately, this is a common problem for many people who have had the surgery and as a result of the surgery your diet management is aided by having a smaller stomach. It's not a controller per say but a "helper". You literally, physically cannot eat what you used to be able to eat. Your body completely changes it requirements and tolerance for almost everything that goes in your mouth.

I've read about something called a dumping. This is caused by eating something that your body can no longer tolerate. Typically it's sugar but can be other foods like dairy. They say it's almost like food poisoning; the shakes, the runs, stomach pains and passing out. Apparently if you cheat, you don't do it again any time soon. Sounds terrible nasty but better than a lot of the side effects of being fat that I'm currently dealing with.

I keep hoping that "tomorrow" I'll do better.

Ever since I quit weight watchers my eating habits have gone all over the place. I'm an absolute mess and I am constantly craving foods I haven't eaten in ages. I'm having a hard time getting myself back on track eating well and I keep hoping that "tomorrow" I'll do better. I think I've written enough for today though. I would like to purge more on this subject so I think I'll do that next time.

See you soon!