I've suddenly developed a bit of a confusion. As I was continuing to read thru the posts as I do daily at the obesity forums, I started to see more and more information coming up regarding the Duodenal Switch surgery. Now I have an issue. It seems this surgery may be more suitable to me. I hadn't realized this was something I could have done as well. I had seen the surgery but hadn't read much on it.
So, now I basically have to dig deeper. I've posted to the forum and am hoping to find some people who can share more information and support. I have a ton of new questions and need answers from some professionals on this as well.
More of an update to come. See you soon!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Moving Forward Into My 41st Year
So I survived my birthday yesterday. I turned forty without my world crashing around me. I thought for sure I would get all sad and depressed because I wasn't where I wanted to be at this point of my life but I was fine. I think I'm more fine now that I have ever been in my life. My decision to go ahead with the weight loss surgery has been the most comforting decision I have ever made. I feel for once I may actually be able to get my life back. That there may actually be a future for me without pain and discomfort.
Be proud of a physical accomplishment.
I'm excited because I just may be able to get back on my bike sooner rather than never like I had once felt. I love to take long bike rides and push myself by biking further and further each time I ride. I remember my bike ride to the sandbanks many years ago and how proud I was of my accomplishment. 84 km was a long ride! And it didn't take me 20 hours, only 6.5! I finally believe I may actually be able to do something like that again. To feel that way again and be proud of a physical accomplishment. I had stopped believing I would feel that again.
I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm settled ...
I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm settled and I seriously feel like I'm taking control of my life again. Certainly it's going to be a long haul and a lot of hard work but I know it's possible. Today is a good day and so will tomorrow and the next and the next! Of course I do realize there will be bad days but I believe in the end it will be worth it.
So today I finally decided to post on the obesity help forums. I hope to meet people from around here who are going thru what I'm going thru but if they aren't around here, I certainly feel confident I will make many friends and receive much support from there.
Short post for today! Till we meet again!
Be proud of a physical accomplishment.
I'm excited because I just may be able to get back on my bike sooner rather than never like I had once felt. I love to take long bike rides and push myself by biking further and further each time I ride. I remember my bike ride to the sandbanks many years ago and how proud I was of my accomplishment. 84 km was a long ride! And it didn't take me 20 hours, only 6.5! I finally believe I may actually be able to do something like that again. To feel that way again and be proud of a physical accomplishment. I had stopped believing I would feel that again.
I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm settled ...
I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm settled and I seriously feel like I'm taking control of my life again. Certainly it's going to be a long haul and a lot of hard work but I know it's possible. Today is a good day and so will tomorrow and the next and the next! Of course I do realize there will be bad days but I believe in the end it will be worth it.
So today I finally decided to post on the obesity help forums. I hope to meet people from around here who are going thru what I'm going thru but if they aren't around here, I certainly feel confident I will make many friends and receive much support from there.
Short post for today! Till we meet again!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Futilely Sending my Support to a Friend
I know it's been a few days since I have posted but life has been a bit crazy. It normally is this time of the year being that Christmas starts now for the company I help do the marketing for and my millstone 40th birthday coming up. My parents came to visit for the weekend and although it wasn't a perfect visit, it was great to see them.
They do say Life Begins at Forty!
Funny, I've gone my whole life attempting to have the "world" learn to accept me for who and what I am and I always believed that by the time I was 40 I would never have to be judged by anyone nor care what others think so much. They do say Life Begins at Forty! We'll see but the few weeks moving towards my 40th were whacked for lack of better terms.
I am the most positive and the most persevering person there is ...
It seems although that I completely believe things happen for a reason, that maybe those reasons aren't as clear as we think they are. I wrote of a friend who helped guide me towards my decision in my earlier posts, Deliska. She is actually in the hospital today on her way to get her surgery done today at around noon. Unfortunately I won't know how things go because she took it upon herself to cut me out of her life by judging me to be too negative to be a part of her life. Strange but true. Everyone that knows me, knows I am the most positive and the most persevering person there is to know if you get to know me well enough. She decided to not take that opportunity and proceeded to judge me as something I'm not.
Unsettling to me to have to deal with such grade school behaviour.
As humans, I think we are all predisposed to being negative. It's amusing to read her blog the last few days and see the negative turn of her posts but I understand that this is most likely the stress speaking in loud clear terms. It's sad to me to of not had the opportunity to get to know her better and become closer friends although I feel she jumped the gun rather quickly; feeling she knew me when she really didn't. It's really unsettling to me to have to deal with such grade school behaviour at this point of my life. Regardless, I resent what happened but since I understand how difficult this journey towards the surgery and the actual performance of it, I can't help but think about her today and hope that everything goes well for her.
I'm not atheist but more confused that anything.
It's funny, several times over the last few weeks I've had religion thrown in my face over and over again. Maybe thats stronger than what I should say but I'm not an overly religious person. I'm not atheist but more confused that anything. I won't get into it but I will just say that there have been many times that I felt the need to say "You are in my prayers and I will be thinking of you." But I don't pray and I couldn't replace that with anything else. It's the same for Deliska today. The only other thing I can say is she is in my thoughts and I will keep my fingers crossed that it all goes well.
Thank goodness for the forums I have been visiting. It's another source of support for me with people who have either gone thru the surgery I am getting or the lapband. I haven't posted yet but apparently you can find an "angel" who will be by your side to answer questions, etc during the journey. There are a ton of people on there from all over the world with a ton of answers and experiences to share. It's called: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/
Patience is a virtue they say!
I was also supposed to go to a weight loss support group this past weekend but it was rescheduled to this weekend. I'm looking forward to meeting new people and learning more. I'm anxious to move forward with this but there isn't anything I can do until first of all I am approved by OHIP (Takes two months and has only been a month so far.) and wait for my initial consultation appointment in January. Patience is a virtue they say!
Till next time.
They do say Life Begins at Forty!
Funny, I've gone my whole life attempting to have the "world" learn to accept me for who and what I am and I always believed that by the time I was 40 I would never have to be judged by anyone nor care what others think so much. They do say Life Begins at Forty! We'll see but the few weeks moving towards my 40th were whacked for lack of better terms.
I am the most positive and the most persevering person there is ...
It seems although that I completely believe things happen for a reason, that maybe those reasons aren't as clear as we think they are. I wrote of a friend who helped guide me towards my decision in my earlier posts, Deliska. She is actually in the hospital today on her way to get her surgery done today at around noon. Unfortunately I won't know how things go because she took it upon herself to cut me out of her life by judging me to be too negative to be a part of her life. Strange but true. Everyone that knows me, knows I am the most positive and the most persevering person there is to know if you get to know me well enough. She decided to not take that opportunity and proceeded to judge me as something I'm not.
Unsettling to me to have to deal with such grade school behaviour.
As humans, I think we are all predisposed to being negative. It's amusing to read her blog the last few days and see the negative turn of her posts but I understand that this is most likely the stress speaking in loud clear terms. It's sad to me to of not had the opportunity to get to know her better and become closer friends although I feel she jumped the gun rather quickly; feeling she knew me when she really didn't. It's really unsettling to me to have to deal with such grade school behaviour at this point of my life. Regardless, I resent what happened but since I understand how difficult this journey towards the surgery and the actual performance of it, I can't help but think about her today and hope that everything goes well for her.
I'm not atheist but more confused that anything.
It's funny, several times over the last few weeks I've had religion thrown in my face over and over again. Maybe thats stronger than what I should say but I'm not an overly religious person. I'm not atheist but more confused that anything. I won't get into it but I will just say that there have been many times that I felt the need to say "You are in my prayers and I will be thinking of you." But I don't pray and I couldn't replace that with anything else. It's the same for Deliska today. The only other thing I can say is she is in my thoughts and I will keep my fingers crossed that it all goes well.
Thank goodness for the forums I have been visiting. It's another source of support for me with people who have either gone thru the surgery I am getting or the lapband. I haven't posted yet but apparently you can find an "angel" who will be by your side to answer questions, etc during the journey. There are a ton of people on there from all over the world with a ton of answers and experiences to share. It's called: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/
Patience is a virtue they say!
I was also supposed to go to a weight loss support group this past weekend but it was rescheduled to this weekend. I'm looking forward to meeting new people and learning more. I'm anxious to move forward with this but there isn't anything I can do until first of all I am approved by OHIP (Takes two months and has only been a month so far.) and wait for my initial consultation appointment in January. Patience is a virtue they say!
Till next time.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
My Love Affair With Food
So of course everyone has had the "bad" relationship; myself included. I've had a few. I've always believed that as long as you learn something from them, there's a reason for them to of happened. Each of them eventually make you who you are and usually that's not such a bad thing. So what happens when that relationship is with something you can't live without?
I was a pretty easy target since I was so gullible .
As early as I can remember food has been a large part of my life. I actually mean way more so than anyone else I know. (Bare with me by the way, this post is one of the hardest for me so far. Very personal.) When I was young I was seriously teased (or bullied if you want to use a more modern term). It was, from my memories, some pretty intense teasing. I remembered being the target of some nasty people growing up. I guess I was a pretty easy target since I was so gullible I believed almost everything I was told. Most of the time the result of my belief ended up being a huge disappointment.
Coming home from school in tears to find lemon meringue pies.
It started young for me, my relationship with food. I learned really young to find comfort in sweets and home made yummys. Some of my earliest memories are of my coming home from school in tears to find lemon meringue pies or nuns legs, or something sweet ready for me. It never failed to help me to temporarily forget how bad of a day I had and it gave me a ton of comfort very early in my life.
Food never let me down and it was always there when I needed it.
Of course when I was young I can't really say I thought of things this way but it just became a habit. The older I got the easier the access. I remember high school and the same comfort in food was there for me too. So from public school to high school food has been my friend, my rock, my comfort. Even when I moved away from home I still had my love affair with food. When I was involved with the wrong men, the wrong people, the wrong drugs, the wrong job, the wrong whatever, food was there for me to make me feel better.
Of course the bigger I got the more I ate
Of course the older I became the more I realized that although food made me feel good, it also wasn't good for me. I started to put on weight when I was around 10 or so. I was always taller and bigger boned as a child so the teasing began younger and so did my bad habits of eating to feel good and eating to deal with things. So of course the bigger I got the more I ate because I started to get depressed about my weight.
Now the cycle of what people call yo-yo dieting kicks in and I lose some weight and do really well for a certain amount of time and then I fall off the wagon, feel bad and start eating like hell again. It's a never ending cycle and each time I gain the weight back and then some! Even being totally aware of my comfort eating really never has done me any good. I can control it for a certain amount of time but as a life long habit, it kicks back in again.
You literally, physically cannot eat what you used to be able to eat.
I questioned my decision at first about whether or not I should actually do this surgery because the same issues will be there after I'm done but my stomach will just be smaller. From what I've been learning lately, this is a common problem for many people who have had the surgery and as a result of the surgery your diet management is aided by having a smaller stomach. It's not a controller per say but a "helper". You literally, physically cannot eat what you used to be able to eat. Your body completely changes it requirements and tolerance for almost everything that goes in your mouth.
I've read about something called a dumping. This is caused by eating something that your body can no longer tolerate. Typically it's sugar but can be other foods like dairy. They say it's almost like food poisoning; the shakes, the runs, stomach pains and passing out. Apparently if you cheat, you don't do it again any time soon. Sounds terrible nasty but better than a lot of the side effects of being fat that I'm currently dealing with.
I keep hoping that "tomorrow" I'll do better.
Ever since I quit weight watchers my eating habits have gone all over the place. I'm an absolute mess and I am constantly craving foods I haven't eaten in ages. I'm having a hard time getting myself back on track eating well and I keep hoping that "tomorrow" I'll do better. I think I've written enough for today though. I would like to purge more on this subject so I think I'll do that next time.
See you soon!
I was a pretty easy target since I was so gullible .
As early as I can remember food has been a large part of my life. I actually mean way more so than anyone else I know. (Bare with me by the way, this post is one of the hardest for me so far. Very personal.) When I was young I was seriously teased (or bullied if you want to use a more modern term). It was, from my memories, some pretty intense teasing. I remembered being the target of some nasty people growing up. I guess I was a pretty easy target since I was so gullible I believed almost everything I was told. Most of the time the result of my belief ended up being a huge disappointment.
Coming home from school in tears to find lemon meringue pies.
It started young for me, my relationship with food. I learned really young to find comfort in sweets and home made yummys. Some of my earliest memories are of my coming home from school in tears to find lemon meringue pies or nuns legs, or something sweet ready for me. It never failed to help me to temporarily forget how bad of a day I had and it gave me a ton of comfort very early in my life.
Food never let me down and it was always there when I needed it.
Of course when I was young I can't really say I thought of things this way but it just became a habit. The older I got the easier the access. I remember high school and the same comfort in food was there for me too. So from public school to high school food has been my friend, my rock, my comfort. Even when I moved away from home I still had my love affair with food. When I was involved with the wrong men, the wrong people, the wrong drugs, the wrong job, the wrong whatever, food was there for me to make me feel better.
Of course the bigger I got the more I ate
Of course the older I became the more I realized that although food made me feel good, it also wasn't good for me. I started to put on weight when I was around 10 or so. I was always taller and bigger boned as a child so the teasing began younger and so did my bad habits of eating to feel good and eating to deal with things. So of course the bigger I got the more I ate because I started to get depressed about my weight.
Now the cycle of what people call yo-yo dieting kicks in and I lose some weight and do really well for a certain amount of time and then I fall off the wagon, feel bad and start eating like hell again. It's a never ending cycle and each time I gain the weight back and then some! Even being totally aware of my comfort eating really never has done me any good. I can control it for a certain amount of time but as a life long habit, it kicks back in again.
You literally, physically cannot eat what you used to be able to eat.
I questioned my decision at first about whether or not I should actually do this surgery because the same issues will be there after I'm done but my stomach will just be smaller. From what I've been learning lately, this is a common problem for many people who have had the surgery and as a result of the surgery your diet management is aided by having a smaller stomach. It's not a controller per say but a "helper". You literally, physically cannot eat what you used to be able to eat. Your body completely changes it requirements and tolerance for almost everything that goes in your mouth.
I've read about something called a dumping. This is caused by eating something that your body can no longer tolerate. Typically it's sugar but can be other foods like dairy. They say it's almost like food poisoning; the shakes, the runs, stomach pains and passing out. Apparently if you cheat, you don't do it again any time soon. Sounds terrible nasty but better than a lot of the side effects of being fat that I'm currently dealing with.
I keep hoping that "tomorrow" I'll do better.
Ever since I quit weight watchers my eating habits have gone all over the place. I'm an absolute mess and I am constantly craving foods I haven't eaten in ages. I'm having a hard time getting myself back on track eating well and I keep hoping that "tomorrow" I'll do better. I think I've written enough for today though. I would like to purge more on this subject so I think I'll do that next time.
See you soon!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Non-Existent Support System - Reality or Not?
When starting the whole process of deciding as to whether or not I was going to do this surgery, I had to ask myself if I had enough of a support system to be able to go through it all successfully. There is so much involved in the whole thing that being alone through it really isn't an option.
I'm okay being on my own.
After my many wasted years with my ex Rick and my many ridiculous relationships prior to him, I'm finding myself alone at this point in my life. Although I really don't mind since for the most part, I'm okay being on my own but when dealing with such a life altering change, it would really be good to have some sort of a support system. So in the beginning of my process I felt so scared and alone but as I researched, learned and spoke to more and more people I found myself gathering support from people I hadn't realized were there to begin with!
There are side effects which may happen, including death.
Since I am getting the surgery done in Utica, New York it makes sense that I will need someone to drive me home from the hospital after the surgery. I will be staying in the hospital 3 or 4 days depending on whether there are complications or not and I will not be in any shape to be driving myself home. The surgery is laproscopic which offers less of a chance of complications but one never knows and they do warn you there are side effects which may happen, including death.
So I have to be honest about this. I truly believed my parents would be the ones that would be there for me since they have always been the ones to pick me up when I fell down or needed help of any kind in my life. Funny it never occurred to me that they would not be able to do it this time. After talking to them I completely understand their reasons but initially I was completely panicked about who would be there for me. It never occurred to me to ask anyone else I knew since I never had to ask before.
It is going to be all on me ...
As I looked into things I came to the conclusion that whomever I asked to do this with me would get a free hotel room, free food, free gas, free car rental with me and if they needed it, passport fees. It's a lot to ask someone to take the time to be there for me and to even take time off work on top of everything! It is going to be all on me since I have plenty of time to save for it.
When I went to visit my friend Deliska (I'm allowed to mention her name now!) and went to the show in Ottawa, she mentioned that she'd be willing to be there for me. Although we don't know each other very well, we have alot in common and are very understanding about what each of us is going through whether our reasons are the same or not. I completely appreciate the offer from her but I had decided at that point to discuss things with my best friend Cathy.
I feel very relieved I have my surgery buddy!
I've known Cathy for many years and a lot of you reading this know her as well. She's one of the kindest most giving people I have ever met in my life. She's honest and has always been there for me and means almost as much to me as my own family does. She's the next best thing to another sister as she can be without being related. So when I spoke to her I was so relieved to hear she would do it if she could. Since I haven't gotten my surgery date yet it can't all be decided 100% yet but I feel very relieved I have my surgery buddy! Thanks Cathy!!!
A hard time asking things from people.
I have always had a hard time asking things from people. I've always turned to my family when I need support and counting on someone outside of my family is frustrating because I hate to put that one someone else. Although I'm thankful for it because I've heard the weeks before the surgery can be an emotional rollercoaster and it will take someone that understands you well enough to put up with you! I feel for her!
So, on another note, I've really been surprised with how many people have sent me notes and comments regarding my decision. It's been amazing to hear the encouragement from everyone and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It's been difficult to be so open and honest and I know I've only just started this whole thing but it's not something I'm good at anymore. When you get hurt a lot, you start to keep things inside but I know that's not necessary at this point. It's all about taking control of my life again and learning to live!
Someone from Madoc that I am looking forward to meeting.
The hospital program in Utica is actually fairly thorough in what they do as well. They seem to have taken every single thing in consideration and actually gears their program to Canadian patients. The most amazing thing of all is there is actually a support group here in Belleville that I can attend with people who have actually gone through the surgery or are going to be having it done. There is actually someone from Madoc that I am looking forward to meeting who had the surgery done with Dr. Graber a year ago. I cannot wait to hear her story.
Strong enough to deal with this head-on and gutsy enough to do it!
As I mentioned in my first blog, a big part of the guidance and knowledge base I have recieved on this whole adventure has come from a good friend who is having the surgery done October 27. I have been following Deliska's steps and progress since she's gone "public" with her decision and am so gracious that she has opened up to me with her honesty and feelings. She's an amazing person too. Strong enough to deal with this head-on and gutsy enough to do it! Considering we met when we were toddlers growing up in Elliot Lake, getting to know her again this many years later has become an amazing moment in my life. I always say things happen for a reason and finding her on Facebook started me towards this decsion. Thanks Dee!
See you soon!
I'm okay being on my own.
After my many wasted years with my ex Rick and my many ridiculous relationships prior to him, I'm finding myself alone at this point in my life. Although I really don't mind since for the most part, I'm okay being on my own but when dealing with such a life altering change, it would really be good to have some sort of a support system. So in the beginning of my process I felt so scared and alone but as I researched, learned and spoke to more and more people I found myself gathering support from people I hadn't realized were there to begin with!
There are side effects which may happen, including death.
Since I am getting the surgery done in Utica, New York it makes sense that I will need someone to drive me home from the hospital after the surgery. I will be staying in the hospital 3 or 4 days depending on whether there are complications or not and I will not be in any shape to be driving myself home. The surgery is laproscopic which offers less of a chance of complications but one never knows and they do warn you there are side effects which may happen, including death.
So I have to be honest about this. I truly believed my parents would be the ones that would be there for me since they have always been the ones to pick me up when I fell down or needed help of any kind in my life. Funny it never occurred to me that they would not be able to do it this time. After talking to them I completely understand their reasons but initially I was completely panicked about who would be there for me. It never occurred to me to ask anyone else I knew since I never had to ask before.
It is going to be all on me ...
As I looked into things I came to the conclusion that whomever I asked to do this with me would get a free hotel room, free food, free gas, free car rental with me and if they needed it, passport fees. It's a lot to ask someone to take the time to be there for me and to even take time off work on top of everything! It is going to be all on me since I have plenty of time to save for it.
When I went to visit my friend Deliska (I'm allowed to mention her name now!) and went to the show in Ottawa, she mentioned that she'd be willing to be there for me. Although we don't know each other very well, we have alot in common and are very understanding about what each of us is going through whether our reasons are the same or not. I completely appreciate the offer from her but I had decided at that point to discuss things with my best friend Cathy.
I feel very relieved I have my surgery buddy!
I've known Cathy for many years and a lot of you reading this know her as well. She's one of the kindest most giving people I have ever met in my life. She's honest and has always been there for me and means almost as much to me as my own family does. She's the next best thing to another sister as she can be without being related. So when I spoke to her I was so relieved to hear she would do it if she could. Since I haven't gotten my surgery date yet it can't all be decided 100% yet but I feel very relieved I have my surgery buddy! Thanks Cathy!!!
A hard time asking things from people.
I have always had a hard time asking things from people. I've always turned to my family when I need support and counting on someone outside of my family is frustrating because I hate to put that one someone else. Although I'm thankful for it because I've heard the weeks before the surgery can be an emotional rollercoaster and it will take someone that understands you well enough to put up with you! I feel for her!
So, on another note, I've really been surprised with how many people have sent me notes and comments regarding my decision. It's been amazing to hear the encouragement from everyone and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It's been difficult to be so open and honest and I know I've only just started this whole thing but it's not something I'm good at anymore. When you get hurt a lot, you start to keep things inside but I know that's not necessary at this point. It's all about taking control of my life again and learning to live!
Someone from Madoc that I am looking forward to meeting.
The hospital program in Utica is actually fairly thorough in what they do as well. They seem to have taken every single thing in consideration and actually gears their program to Canadian patients. The most amazing thing of all is there is actually a support group here in Belleville that I can attend with people who have actually gone through the surgery or are going to be having it done. There is actually someone from Madoc that I am looking forward to meeting who had the surgery done with Dr. Graber a year ago. I cannot wait to hear her story.
Strong enough to deal with this head-on and gutsy enough to do it!
As I mentioned in my first blog, a big part of the guidance and knowledge base I have recieved on this whole adventure has come from a good friend who is having the surgery done October 27. I have been following Deliska's steps and progress since she's gone "public" with her decision and am so gracious that she has opened up to me with her honesty and feelings. She's an amazing person too. Strong enough to deal with this head-on and gutsy enough to do it! Considering we met when we were toddlers growing up in Elliot Lake, getting to know her again this many years later has become an amazing moment in my life. I always say things happen for a reason and finding her on Facebook started me towards this decsion. Thanks Dee!
See you soon!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Pain - Lets get it over with already.
So most of you know I like to be active. For someone who is as heavy as I am, I'm on the go quite often. Unfortunately it's not as much as I'd like to be but each time I do, I'm grateful for what I can do. I wake up on the weekends and decide where I'd like to go exploring that day. I have to consider a few things before I can actually go through with my adventures.
I promise my posts will not be about my aches and pains.
I have to consider first and foremost the level of pain I am already in because of my osteoarthritis. Once thats taken into consideration I can rate how much relief I can get by taking 2 Tylenol 3's and if it's worth it to not be able to walk by end of day. Usually I'm okay with that since I really don't have much of a life at the moment and I can rest during the evenings while I work. So with this in mind I leave for my hike. On my way I'm thinking about how far I'd love to go and I'm hoping it's comfortable enough for me to wear my special shoes with the high heels because of the pain I have in my heels and how it rarely if ever goes away. I can't wear normal hiking boots because the stretch and the rub of them just about tortures me to death and I limp thru the hike instead of enjoying it. (Don't even ask what I'm going to do in the winter!!). By the way, I promise my posts will not be about my aches and pains; I actually have a point in this.
I'm excited and I'm doing okay.
So, using today and yesterday for example, I'd decided to go to Vanderwater and Frinks and walk with the dogs. I go as far as I can go and usually am pretty optimistic that I can spend the afternoon out and about and on the move. I start out sore but limber up rather quickly. I'm usually a bit winded when I first start but it tends to balance out a bit and unless there's a lot of hills, I'm okay with the breathing parts. So here I am, my favorite time of the year, doing my favorite things with my favorite company. I'm excited and I'm doing okay.
I look ahead of me and wish I could go farther.
Less then half way into the walk the pain starts. I ache. I hurt. I'm starting to sweat from it. I'm becoming disappointed because instead of a full afternoon of walking, it's going to be a lot less. God forbid I lose my sense of direction when I'm out walking because that means it's going to be a lot longer before I can sit and get some relief. I'll take breaks and such but it's not enough. The intensity of pain is pretty severe by the time I get back to my car and breath a sigh of relief. I do have to admit that over the past year I have slowly increased the distance I can walk but for the most part I look ahead of me and wish I could go farther. I have a tendancy to believe that I can go much farther than I really can and it's such a disappointment to me.
I believe I am at least 150lbs overweight!
This is my point for all of this. Has anyone seen that commercial for Jenny Craig where Valerie what's her name lifts the pumpkin up and tells us it weighs 40lbs and can you imagine thats what she lost and her actually carrying it on her let alone lifting it? Well imagine this; although I'm not one hundred percent sure of my goal weight at this point in time but I believe I am at least 150lbs overweight! Is that not crazy!? So imagine me on my hikes and what my joints are feeling and what my heart is screaming at me, not to mention my lungs. It's absolutely insane that I have so totally lost control of my body and have allowed it to get to this point.
Most normal people can diet and exercise.
So in my books, this is reason number one for me to be satisfied with my decision to go through with this surgery. Nevermind the fact that I wake up in the mornings in pain but each day I deal with the same BS. Most normal people can diet and exercise and lose weight with general ease but in my case I can only do it by diet right now. I cannot push my body as hard as I used to. I watch The Biggest Loser and wish I could work out as hard as they do. I would push myself but the pain I suffer is just too much. (Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. That is not taking control.)
I promised myself that I would do something about my weight.
Most of you know that I've already had one knee replaced. The surgery was insane. Apparently everyone's experiences are different but I can tell you being fat while you get this type of surgery done is no walk in the park. No pun intended. It's super uncomfortable and very difficult to complete the exercises you need to do and to just simply deal with recovery. I managed of course but I promised myself that I would do something about my weight before I have to get the other done (It is inevitable but I can put it off physically with weight loss.).
I rode(my bike) to the sandbanks and back 6 years ago!
Let's just say before I write a book on this. That the idea of less pain is a fantastic reminder to me that this is what I need to do to get a better quality of life. At least part of it. I can imagine my future with my getting on my bike again (I rode to the sandbanks and back 6 years ago!). I can imagine going on long hikes and exhausting them before me. I can imagine being healthy and fit because I can actually do it this time because with the excess weight gone, I can get fit and motivate myself to feel what it feels to be enjoying life like the rest of the world does!
Things can only look up from here
Okay, so enough about pain. That's not what this is about. I've always felt like I talk about it too much. It's a sore point for me! ha ha. I've always been self conscious of it and thats okay. It's really understandable because it's been a big part of my life the last few years. I can be grateful I am no longer on morphine regularly and that things can only look up from here!!
See you next time!
I promise my posts will not be about my aches and pains.
I have to consider first and foremost the level of pain I am already in because of my osteoarthritis. Once thats taken into consideration I can rate how much relief I can get by taking 2 Tylenol 3's and if it's worth it to not be able to walk by end of day. Usually I'm okay with that since I really don't have much of a life at the moment and I can rest during the evenings while I work. So with this in mind I leave for my hike. On my way I'm thinking about how far I'd love to go and I'm hoping it's comfortable enough for me to wear my special shoes with the high heels because of the pain I have in my heels and how it rarely if ever goes away. I can't wear normal hiking boots because the stretch and the rub of them just about tortures me to death and I limp thru the hike instead of enjoying it. (Don't even ask what I'm going to do in the winter!!). By the way, I promise my posts will not be about my aches and pains; I actually have a point in this.
I'm excited and I'm doing okay.
So, using today and yesterday for example, I'd decided to go to Vanderwater and Frinks and walk with the dogs. I go as far as I can go and usually am pretty optimistic that I can spend the afternoon out and about and on the move. I start out sore but limber up rather quickly. I'm usually a bit winded when I first start but it tends to balance out a bit and unless there's a lot of hills, I'm okay with the breathing parts. So here I am, my favorite time of the year, doing my favorite things with my favorite company. I'm excited and I'm doing okay.
I look ahead of me and wish I could go farther.
Less then half way into the walk the pain starts. I ache. I hurt. I'm starting to sweat from it. I'm becoming disappointed because instead of a full afternoon of walking, it's going to be a lot less. God forbid I lose my sense of direction when I'm out walking because that means it's going to be a lot longer before I can sit and get some relief. I'll take breaks and such but it's not enough. The intensity of pain is pretty severe by the time I get back to my car and breath a sigh of relief. I do have to admit that over the past year I have slowly increased the distance I can walk but for the most part I look ahead of me and wish I could go farther. I have a tendancy to believe that I can go much farther than I really can and it's such a disappointment to me.
I believe I am at least 150lbs overweight!
This is my point for all of this. Has anyone seen that commercial for Jenny Craig where Valerie what's her name lifts the pumpkin up and tells us it weighs 40lbs and can you imagine thats what she lost and her actually carrying it on her let alone lifting it? Well imagine this; although I'm not one hundred percent sure of my goal weight at this point in time but I believe I am at least 150lbs overweight! Is that not crazy!? So imagine me on my hikes and what my joints are feeling and what my heart is screaming at me, not to mention my lungs. It's absolutely insane that I have so totally lost control of my body and have allowed it to get to this point.
Most normal people can diet and exercise.
So in my books, this is reason number one for me to be satisfied with my decision to go through with this surgery. Nevermind the fact that I wake up in the mornings in pain but each day I deal with the same BS. Most normal people can diet and exercise and lose weight with general ease but in my case I can only do it by diet right now. I cannot push my body as hard as I used to. I watch The Biggest Loser and wish I could work out as hard as they do. I would push myself but the pain I suffer is just too much. (Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. That is not taking control.)
I promised myself that I would do something about my weight.
Most of you know that I've already had one knee replaced. The surgery was insane. Apparently everyone's experiences are different but I can tell you being fat while you get this type of surgery done is no walk in the park. No pun intended. It's super uncomfortable and very difficult to complete the exercises you need to do and to just simply deal with recovery. I managed of course but I promised myself that I would do something about my weight before I have to get the other done (It is inevitable but I can put it off physically with weight loss.).
I rode(my bike) to the sandbanks and back 6 years ago!
Let's just say before I write a book on this. That the idea of less pain is a fantastic reminder to me that this is what I need to do to get a better quality of life. At least part of it. I can imagine my future with my getting on my bike again (I rode to the sandbanks and back 6 years ago!). I can imagine going on long hikes and exhausting them before me. I can imagine being healthy and fit because I can actually do it this time because with the excess weight gone, I can get fit and motivate myself to feel what it feels to be enjoying life like the rest of the world does!
Things can only look up from here
Okay, so enough about pain. That's not what this is about. I've always felt like I talk about it too much. It's a sore point for me! ha ha. I've always been self conscious of it and thats okay. It's really understandable because it's been a big part of my life the last few years. I can be grateful I am no longer on morphine regularly and that things can only look up from here!!
See you next time!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
All About Losing Control
Somewhere, somehow, sometime ago, I lost control of my life. It became something other than what I wanted it to be about. My life was ruled by food and dieting; with nothing but another diet to jump in the front car of the roller coaster with. I've had some success in the past. I've probably lost more in my life than the weight of several other people combined. It's been a crazy ride and now, because I've suggested someone else blog their experience, I've decided to start my own.
A complete waste of time and sometimes money.
Most of you know me and know my story. It's been one of heart breaks, disappointments combined with moments of success and happiness at my results. I think I've tried almost every diet there is to be tried and yet although some I've done well with, others have been a complete waste of time and sometimes money. I've done enough damage to my metabolism through the years with my "yo-yo" dieting to last a life time. I can tell you now, I've had enough.
Punishment for "fat people".
Thanks to a lot of strange yet pleasant coincidences I've come to a decision that has been in the back of my mind for many years now. One I've avoided because I was taught during my time at university getting a double degree in women's studies and sociology, that what I'm about to do is a punishment for "fat people". I've been told it was the easy way out; giving up perhaps. I wasn't sure what I believed in the past but I've always thought of what I'm going to do as a last resort for me.
Take control of the outcome of my own life
Instead of a last resort it's become a new beginning. A new way to live. A new way to think and a better quality of life (to use common terms). I've decided to get a gastric bypass done and learn to live my life differently. I've decided that I will not rule my life by food but by my self and learn to take control of the outcome of my own life. I feel at peace with this decision and I finally feel like it's doing something right for me.
The initial few posts may be a bit long and a bit personal. I apologize for that but I think it's important to get a lot of details in so everyone can understand where I'm going and where I'm coming from. I believe in situation like this that if there is the slightest chance of my experience helping someone else along the way, then fantastic, I'm all over that! Please ask me anything you feel the need to. I will do my best to be as open and honest as I can be.
My "discipline" began to fade away
Last year I joined weight watchers for the first time. My mother had joined and she was doing really well with the program so I decided to try it for myself. I said to myself that I would give myself a year to see a degree of difference and if I wasn't being successful that my next step would be to look into getting a bypass. By the spring, although I was doing fairly well (the most I managed to lose was 25lbs but 9 of those were from having to get emergency gall bladder surgery done). I was enthused by my progress but for some reason my "discipline" began to fade away and I started to over eat again. At some point in the spring, June I believe it was, an old friend came out of the wood work.
I won't mention any names at this point unless she says it's okay but we were childhood friends and by the luck of facebook, we hooked up again. She ended up coming for a visit and we got along wonderfully (considering how we both have incredibly strong personalities!). It was after this visit she decided to let me know she had made the decision to get gastric bypass done. She was in the process of getting approval from OHIP etc. She explained the process she was going through and over the next few months as I began to learn more with her assistance I started leaning towards the surgery myself. In September I went to Ottawa to meet the people from the hospital - the surgeons, the dietician and a couple of people who have gone thru the surgery. It was after this visit with my friend and the visit to Ottawa that I decided to do it myself.
Geared towards overweight people and gear everything to our comfort.
My first step was having my doctor prepared to approve my getting the surgery and have her fill out the paperwork to have it done out of country. A lot of people have asked why Utica, New York and not Toronto. I asked the same questions and have learned that the hospital in NY is geared towards overweight people and gear everything to our comfort. They also basically specialize in the Roux-N-Y surgery that I will be getting. According the Dr. Graber, the surgeon I spoke to, they do approximately 3600 surgeries a year while in Canada it's around 600 (Don't quote me on those numbers!). So due to the experience they seem to have and the specializing end of things, I think it's a great decision. Plus the waiting time isn't as long at all.
So with that said, this is the address of the hospital (http://www.drgrabermd.com/) that I'm in the process of working towards a surgery date. My initial consultation is January 8th with Dr. Graber (the reason for it being so late in the year is my job cannot spare me for time off until after christmas). I will be attending an 8am seminar that day and consulting with the surgeon the same day.
All in all I'm about 89% super excited and 11% petrified.
I'm sure that will change throughout the process but I'm attempting to get all my t's crossed and my i's dotted to make sure everything goes smoothly. Over the next few days I will be posting more information on what I will expect and what I've gone through, etc. I'm hoping to have everyone's support by posting to this blog and will hopefully be able to keep it up to date with my progress.
A complete waste of time and sometimes money.
Most of you know me and know my story. It's been one of heart breaks, disappointments combined with moments of success and happiness at my results. I think I've tried almost every diet there is to be tried and yet although some I've done well with, others have been a complete waste of time and sometimes money. I've done enough damage to my metabolism through the years with my "yo-yo" dieting to last a life time. I can tell you now, I've had enough.
Punishment for "fat people".
Thanks to a lot of strange yet pleasant coincidences I've come to a decision that has been in the back of my mind for many years now. One I've avoided because I was taught during my time at university getting a double degree in women's studies and sociology, that what I'm about to do is a punishment for "fat people". I've been told it was the easy way out; giving up perhaps. I wasn't sure what I believed in the past but I've always thought of what I'm going to do as a last resort for me.
Take control of the outcome of my own life
Instead of a last resort it's become a new beginning. A new way to live. A new way to think and a better quality of life (to use common terms). I've decided to get a gastric bypass done and learn to live my life differently. I've decided that I will not rule my life by food but by my self and learn to take control of the outcome of my own life. I feel at peace with this decision and I finally feel like it's doing something right for me.
The initial few posts may be a bit long and a bit personal. I apologize for that but I think it's important to get a lot of details in so everyone can understand where I'm going and where I'm coming from. I believe in situation like this that if there is the slightest chance of my experience helping someone else along the way, then fantastic, I'm all over that! Please ask me anything you feel the need to. I will do my best to be as open and honest as I can be.
My "discipline" began to fade away
Last year I joined weight watchers for the first time. My mother had joined and she was doing really well with the program so I decided to try it for myself. I said to myself that I would give myself a year to see a degree of difference and if I wasn't being successful that my next step would be to look into getting a bypass. By the spring, although I was doing fairly well (the most I managed to lose was 25lbs but 9 of those were from having to get emergency gall bladder surgery done). I was enthused by my progress but for some reason my "discipline" began to fade away and I started to over eat again. At some point in the spring, June I believe it was, an old friend came out of the wood work.
I won't mention any names at this point unless she says it's okay but we were childhood friends and by the luck of facebook, we hooked up again. She ended up coming for a visit and we got along wonderfully (considering how we both have incredibly strong personalities!). It was after this visit she decided to let me know she had made the decision to get gastric bypass done. She was in the process of getting approval from OHIP etc. She explained the process she was going through and over the next few months as I began to learn more with her assistance I started leaning towards the surgery myself. In September I went to Ottawa to meet the people from the hospital - the surgeons, the dietician and a couple of people who have gone thru the surgery. It was after this visit with my friend and the visit to Ottawa that I decided to do it myself.
Geared towards overweight people and gear everything to our comfort.
My first step was having my doctor prepared to approve my getting the surgery and have her fill out the paperwork to have it done out of country. A lot of people have asked why Utica, New York and not Toronto. I asked the same questions and have learned that the hospital in NY is geared towards overweight people and gear everything to our comfort. They also basically specialize in the Roux-N-Y surgery that I will be getting. According the Dr. Graber, the surgeon I spoke to, they do approximately 3600 surgeries a year while in Canada it's around 600 (Don't quote me on those numbers!). So due to the experience they seem to have and the specializing end of things, I think it's a great decision. Plus the waiting time isn't as long at all.
So with that said, this is the address of the hospital (http://www.drgrabermd.com/) that I'm in the process of working towards a surgery date. My initial consultation is January 8th with Dr. Graber (the reason for it being so late in the year is my job cannot spare me for time off until after christmas). I will be attending an 8am seminar that day and consulting with the surgeon the same day.
All in all I'm about 89% super excited and 11% petrified.
I'm sure that will change throughout the process but I'm attempting to get all my t's crossed and my i's dotted to make sure everything goes smoothly. Over the next few days I will be posting more information on what I will expect and what I've gone through, etc. I'm hoping to have everyone's support by posting to this blog and will hopefully be able to keep it up to date with my progress.
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