Emotional Rollercoaster!

So, yesterday I received another letter from the Ottawa Hospital and it was telling me that I had an appointment for April. Needless to say I had a big of an anxiety attack seeing as the last time I spoke to someone they had originally booked me for an appointment Jan 20th for 6pm!!!! I did get my mail pretty late last nite so I couldn't call but I just got off the phone today and I almost lost my mind.

The first person I spoke to had no record of my appointment. She said the only one she had for me was for April. Well, I'm ashamed to say I started bawling on the phone. She was nice enough to ask me who I had spoken to last time and thank goodness I wrote it down. She transferred me over to her and the other woman literally bitch slapped me with "Who do I think I am telling her when I'm supposed to be coming in when it's up to them and there is no such time for appointments with Dr. Dent." That really helped my mind set I must admit. She then said, your appointment is for the 13th and because the letter said April I assumed that's what she meant. I had to clarify it so I asked her what month and she said Jan.

Needless to say I feel better but I'm still confused and she was right crusty with me. I said to her it's something so important to me that there is no way I can understand how I could have written the date wrong. Well she took it personally and said there's no way she would have messed it up because she doesn't work that way. (Neither do I!) Whatever. I did apologize to her in case she thought I was insulting her but I wasn't. I was just confused.

So, January 13th it is for 5:30 in Ottawa with Dr. Dent. Guess it's time to change all my schedules and get in touch with Steph who said she'd come with me! I'm happy now because that's even earlier! Yay! It started out bad but ended up great!



I haven't been really spending much time updating my blog lately because there hasn't been any new really. I had a bit of a moment when a friend inadvertently got me questioning myself and my decision to do this but I was immediately reassured by many that have had it done. I had a bad few days but I strongly believe it was my PMSing so I don't think it was anything too serious as I'm up again. My moodiness has been lifted so much by all the wonderful support and friendships I've been developing from new and old friends.

On another note, I'm scared to see any more photos of myself. I had pictures taken at a couple of Christmas parties I've gone to and I'm forcing myself to look at them realistically. I'm hating every second of it. I look terrible and I look so unhealthy. It's not good. Where did I go???? I can't wait to get myself back again. What a ridiculous thing I've done to myself, letting my weight control me. I simply cannot wait to begin to get my life back.

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Holidays! With the New Year so close by I'm happily looking forward and not back as my life moves forward to a whole new beginning; a rebirth. Be merry and enjoy your time! Till we chat again.

Finally Moving Forward! I Have Hope Again!

Exciting news! Ottawa Civic Hospital called this morning. I missed the call but when I called back and left a message she called me back fairly quickly. Apparently OHIP requested they contact me regarding the surgery. Initially she told me I needed to come in and have an educational seminar and learn more about the surgery as well as bring more information about myself. She also told me I would have to attend 4 workshops as well; one a week for four weeks. Initially we were going to set up an appointment for Dec 18th and I knew this would be hard for my boss to let me do since at this time of the year I'm seriously needed for work but she also offered me an appointment for January 20th. I wasn't overly thrilled with the need to go back and forth 5 or six million times so I started to explain my story and told her my BMI as well as the fact I had already gotten an appointment for both a sleep study and with Dr. Graber in Utica.

Well, low and behold she put me on hold for a bit and came back on telling me it was a total change of plans and that because I was a special circumstance that I would be immediately seeing the doctor, Dr. Dent, and discussing the state of my health and so on and whether or not I should continue with my plans for out of country surgery or whether he can do it for me or not. It sounded like they were 100% behind my going to see Dr. Graber. So, I have an appointment in Ottawa January 20th at 6pm. Anyone want to go with me?? I've never driven in Ottawa! lol

I'm excited but scared to be excited. I don't want anymore bad news!!!! I am thinking positive as much as I can but I do not want to ginx myself at all! I cannot believe I finally have word and things are moving again. I may not have any answers but it feels like someone cares again!

So busy today but will share more again soon!

Monday Madness

Well I thought I'd pop out a quickie post to update everyone on my Dr's appointment this morning. I saw my Dr this morning and after faxing her last week only to find out that she hadn't had a moment to read my fax, she decided to read it while I was with her. It was nice not to have to explain the letter I recevied from OHIP again. When she was done she decided to call the number for me and she spoke to Diane at the OOC offices, who told her that a doctor of some sort would be calling her back.

We decided to send out my referrals marked as URGENT again to Ottawa and a new one to Guelph and Windsor. She checked me out physically and I believe she finally understands how necessary this is for me. I felt like she started to feel pity for me and I wasn't overly comfortable with that but she saw the pain I'm in and understands now why I don't want to wait much longer. She told me she wants to see me monthly after the surgery and wants to do everything she can to help me be successful with it. I was happy to hear that. It was almost as if a light went off for her and it was greatly appreciated. So at least I know for sure she will give me that support later.

Anyway, I was home maybe a half hour and she just called me back to let me know they had called her back. They told her that the waiting times for the clinics are as follows: Windsor - 1.5 weeks (!!!!!!!!), Ottawa - 3 months, Guelph - I think she said 6 months I was in a bit of shock over the Windsor one so it didn't sink in. She told me that she hopes the Windsor one works for me although I'm stressed about that since it's so far away from here but I will do what I have to do. She also said they told her that I should still keep my appointment with Dr. Graber since they don't charge for their first appointment.

So now I'm stressed because I know nothing about the Windsor clinic but at least I know a little more than I did last week. I'm still in waiting mode though! lol I'm seriously okay with getting things done here in Ontario if things move fast enough and it would be nice to get it done sooner rather than later. I just want to be sure the surgeons know what they are doing and are experienced with everything.

Now, it's been a few hours later and I've learned a few more things. First of all Windsor is only an assessment centre and they refer you out for surgery. So, on one hand this is positive because perhaps they will refer me to Dr. Graber in Utica and things will move forward as planned. I also figured out my doctor doesn't realize this but I'm starting to feel guilty because they are being super nice there now for me and are doing everything I ask with speed and competence. I now feel like crap asking more! So I think I'm going to ride it out for a bit as well.

I did call Dr. Graber's office and the girl I spoke to really didn't know very much about things at all but she did tell me that they can't do anything at all in the approval process. She agrees that I ought to keep my appointment. So maybe where ever I get to go for the assessment, they may refer me to him anyway. What a huge pain in the ass I think. Especially if they are just going to turn around and send me where I planned on going in the first place.

I'm just glad to know today that my doctor understands finally. I told her straight up that if I do have to wait much longer to get moving with this that I may have go back on Morphine. I told her it's something I do not want to do since it's so hard to get off of. She agreed with me. Thank god. I hate doctors that just prescribe things all the time without really caring. I think it may be the time of the year but my lower body aches terribly the last few weeks and it's really hard to get moving these days. I've been attempting to get back into swimming and walking more often but it's hurting like crazy. I'm going to do it anyway though. It's a necessary evil.

On another note, I've been a bit scattered doing my xmas shopping but hope to be done soon. It's crazy out there! I'm happy to of found out my parents are coming between xmas and new years too. I was really worried about driving up there with my sleepiness when I drive. It's getting worse constantly. It may be a wonderful xmas after all.

Till we share again!

New Information, New Thoughts

If you've been following my "adventure" with OHIP lately you'll know what's going on. I've learned a few things lately that have me a bit nervous regarding my referral to Ottawa. Recently it's come to light that since they have started doing the more complicated surgeries on people with a BMI over 50, only recently, there have been a couple of deaths. People are actually suggesting strongly that if your weight is high to do your best not to get your surgery done there. Pretty frightening stuff. I am well aware of the risks that are involved but having surgeons that are not experienced with the more complicated issues with the surgery isn't something I need to have added to those risks. I'm going to have to look into it more thoroughly.

So this week brings to light THE LETTER from OHIP. Originally I was to be excited to receive this letter because it would mean it was a letter of acceptance for Out-Of-Country Benefits. Since the delay from my doctors office, it put me past Nov 4th and any applications that are received after that date are being sent the letter which I received. It's interesting to note that sites like the obesityhelp.com forums were able to enlighten me as to the legislature way before the actual government office could do so.

The one thing I did notice on the letter is there is a Note on the bottom last page of the letter that does say I can have my doctor note the referrals as being urgent and they can be rushed through the system (yea right! believe it when I see it!) or she can actually call the same bloody place I sent the application and tell them that I cannot wait the approximate 14 month or so wait to get this done because my tissues are being damaged. My osteoarthritis is steadily getting worse and worse and I've yet to find a pair of comfortable warm shoes I can wear to walk in for the winter months.

I did sit down and prepare a request for her that I faxed, including the final page of the letter (she was CC'd on the letter from OHIP) and I also included my therapists letter of support to keep in my records. I do see her Monday morning so I'm going to practically get on my hands and knees (well not literally) and beg her to make the phone call. I simply cannot manage this pain anymore without having to a) go on stronger pain meds or b) just not exercise anymore. That to me is not an option. Neither of them are since the next step up for me from T3s prior to my first knee surgery was morphine and I do not want to get addicted to that again. Far too difficult to wean me off. I will be mentioning this to her at my appointment.

So other than that, I'm still okay with things and hanging in there. I still feel hopeful that perhaps things will get done sooner rather than later. I've been really grateful for several of my new friends and their support and encouragement. I think I would be having a harder time getting by with all the negative news if I didn't have their kind words and wonderful support. They give me the hope I need to believe in everything coming together soon.

I've been learning a lot thru the support groups and the online forum as well. One thing thats somewhat kept me from overeating like a pig on the lonely nights has been to start coupon collecting and contesting. It's what they call an addiction transfer and it's something they recommend you do when you go thru the surgery. I believe I've had a head-start because I'm completely addicted. I'm sure the telemarketing and the junk mail will be well worth it if I win a prize or two! lol

It's been nice not to feel down and unhappy. Other than being frustrated I feel okay. It's been a long haul since the bad breakup, the knee surgery and the quitting smoking moment of my life and I'm starting to feel like a human being again. I don't think about him every moment of the day like I did and I don't blame myself anymore for what happened; well most of the time. lol I do wonder how he is and how he is managing because he was a big part of my life and very important to me but I had to let go and move on with my life because it simply wasn't worth the depression and the heartache anymore. It almost destroyed me and I'm grateful to my friends and family for being there for me and my fur kids who make me smile to get by. Maybe I should have called this post a grateful post! It's Thanksgiving for me today! lol

Till next time!

Flipping Out and Feeling Defeated!!!!

Okay, how fair is this? Is someone trying to tell me something? Do I not deserve to have this done? I thought I did. I felt I was a human being and should be treated like one. At the moment I feel completely inconsequential.

If anyone is following my story you'd know that my doctor is attempting to make up for "misplacing" my application to OOC that should have been received on Sept 29th. She promised me last week she would fax them a letter explaining to them what had happened in hopes that they would make me an exception. She also had to send an explanation as to why my original BMI on the application was different than it actually is (A different thread again.)

Well, guess what? Apparently I mean nothing. I finally had a chance to call today and spoke to both Erin and Diane in regards to my application. Everything I've heard is quite right about Diane, she's not overly pleasant. Anyway, apparently my application is in a pile to go out to receive the letter regarding the need for a referral from an assessment centre in Ontario.

I had asked them to look thru my records to see if they ahve received anything new from either the Ontario Ombudsman or my doctor. It seemed to be a difficult task for her but they did look. She looked thru her records and has not to date received anything from the Ontario ombudsman (who promised to call on my behalf) nor have they received any letters from my doctor on either point. Of course when I heard this I kinda lost it. Sounded like the same old run around again that I went thru with the original application.

I asked her if there was anything I can do after I explained what happened AGAIN. She simply said no and wasn't compassionate at all. I can understand she must be sick of dealing with this but I wonder if she has ever been fat a day in her life. Feeling the words, B with an itch coming on. Anyway, I hung up from her and immediately attempted to get thru to the Ombudsman again and they "were not available to take my call." Nice freaking government we have!!!!!

Then ... I called my doctors office. Well guess what? They MAILED it on Friday. Well she said that at first. So I proceeded to let them know it was too late that had they done it before they reviewed my application it may have made a difference but apparently not now. She then told me they tried to fax it with no success (I don't get that cause I can fax them easily and everytime I do, it takes one try!!!! I do believe her though this time.). I ended up getting really upset and asked them or rather gave them a piece of my mind. I'd just about had it. I'm still bawling but breathing a bit better now.

So then I asked them if they got the referrals out for me to Humber, Windsor, Hamilton and Ottawa because this is what I apparently have to do and I had been proactive in getting into my doctors office to get these filled out and sent. Well guess what? 2 out of them were done! The one I really want with the shortest wait time was Ottawa and THEY CAN'T FIND THE REFERRAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which she filled out with me sitting beside her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently someone from my doctors office is going to call me back but I just want to break something or run away or just cry myself oblivious!!! This is simply so unfair. I just want some sort of progress to know this is going to happen for me.

I have to say thank god for the people who support me though and thank god my boss is understanding enough to let me get through this even though it interferes in my work at times. I try not to let it but there are moments when it feels like the world is ganging up on me. Then I talk to my new and old friends and feel better. Right now I just want to lock myself up all alone and not talk to a single person. I think I should go for a walk instead. Just wish it didnt hurt so much to go for a walk. I'm tired; physically, mentally and emotionally.

So in case you are wondering why it sounds like I'm in such a hurry. I'm really not. I can't take the time off work to do this till spring but since this legislature is so new, the ontario clinics are not prepared for the onslaught of new patients; thus lengthening the wait time for me to have this done. The whole point of the out of country was to shorten the wait times for people like myself. So until they bring more surgeons (with experience) on staff and open more clinics, the wait times are going to continue to grow. And all because of a screwup at my doctors office of a five week wait, I'm stuck in this situation.

On a good note, I saw my therapist this morning and she was fantastic. I'm attempting to have as much ammunition as I can on this and she provided me with a wonderful and supportive letter that I have sent OHIP and will bring with me to any referrals I actually hear from.

I think I may call a lawyer tomorrow. I haven't decided if I should go that far yet. I may contact a news station but thats really putting it out there. It may help me though. Any suggestions?

I must go calm down.

Time to Breath and Time to Update!

Here's the latest scoops in the ever nutty moments of the life of Tina Sawicki! So I kinda avoided writing on here for the last little bit because I've been hugely embarrassed about my last doctor's appointment. I did vaguely post about it on Facebook but I still don't feel comfy exposing exactly what I learned to the entire world yet and that's due to shame. I'm ashamed of the shape I'm in and the weight I'm at. It's incredible that I've allowed myself to believe that I'm in better shape than I actually am. The doctors appointment proved that to me.

I was pretty upset about this. When I left the doctors office I actually sat down and cried in my car for almost a half hour. On a positive note, learning my bmi is a lot higher than I thought it was, may actually be a blessing in disguise. Apparently, if my referral to the Ottawa assessment clinic goes thru, I'll automatically be referred to Utica for my surgery since they do not work on people with a BMI of 50 and above. (That's all you'll get for numbers! lol). I guess this is going to make it easier for me to get approval for the surgery.

I've been patiently waiting for the past week to not call the OHIP office before I was asked to and I finally did call this morning. I spoke to Erin on the phone and she remembered me (that was surprising.) We actually spoke at length but I let her tell me things before I brought up the things I was aware of. Apparently they are still waiting to receive the letter that the doctors are being sent (I have a copy of the amendments thanks to OH!) and my letter is still pending with the ones that will get the new information. When she told me this I let her know what I have heard and apparently it's mostly true. The one thing they did say is that they have moved the date from October first to November 1st. This, of course, doesn't help me since it was over five weeks that my application hadn't been there (Arrived November 16th).

I also restated my case and reminded her about my case being misplaced at my doctors office. She said she isn't sure how or if that may affect my application but time will tell. She was really nice actually and I was surprised since I'm sure they are being bombarded with questions and phone calls from stressed out people. I did ask her if it was alright if I call her again in a week to find out my status and she said to feel free to do so.

Since I found out about all of these issues and have learned my doctor has been on the ball sending out my referrals, I've been more at peace with all of this. I figure there must be a reason why this is all happening (Things don't happen without a reason; not to me, ever.) and although I will take every step I can to fight this, if things turn out that I have to wait longer, that that is meant to be. I will have the surgery, when? that's just the million dollar question.

So, with this in mind, I called the Ontario Ombudsman's office. Strangely enough I had it in my head I'd be talking to a man. lol Turns out it's a woman or rather a number of people. Anyway, it was one of those moments I hate when I first called her. I've always tried to get comfortable with people when talking on the phone by being light hearted and lightly joking. MOST people go along with me and enjoy my discussion. Well, this lady was silent. No laugh, no gruffaw, no giggle! And I KNOW I can be pretty funny sometimes. Mind you, I did eventually get a laugh out of her. Just took a bit.

I basically had to explain the whole thing to her. She insisted at first there was nothing she can do for me ( I was pissy because she didn't even know the story at that point.) I insisted she hear me out so she rather huffily opened a case on me. By the time I was finished telling her what had happened to me, she was opened up to me and more receptive. To sum it all up, by the end of our conversation she suggested that I first of all get my doctor to write a letter explaining what happened with the application and mentioning the original date when it should have been received. She also asked me to send her proof of the date and she would call OHIP her self on behalf of me to push my case.

So, we'll see what happens. I did call my doctor and she actually called me back two minutes later and said she would be happy to write a letter to them. She's been really good since it was her bloody secretary that screwed me up! She also has to write to them and explain to them why we didn't weigh me Sept 29th and why my BMI is changed so drastically. Erin at OHIP said she would be satisfied with that to change the application. Thank god.

So now I wait, again. I've basically done all I can do and save for making a huge case against my doctors office which I don't want to do because I really do like my doctor, just not the secretary! lol Worst case scenario, I have to wait a few more months. Best case scenario, things progress as they ought to.

I do plan on going to my January 8th initial consultation with Dr. Graber though. I do have the appointment and will definitely not give that up since I will have to do it all at some point anyway. I have been rather proactive so I'm waiting to hear from the Ottawa clinic, Hamilton's and Windsor's clinics. Apparently they are aware of the new criteria for out of country surgery, so hopefully that will change the length of wait times. I've also been told I will have to get some heart tests done so I'm going to talk to my doctor about that at my next appointment on Dec. 7 and I originally had canceled my sleep clinic appointment for October but I rebooked it for January thank god. I did find out that I have to get that done before surgery as well and the waiting list for that is long so thank heavens I rebooked.

Surgery aside for a minute; I went to the opening of New Moon this past weekend. I expected it to busy and it was although we were 8th in line and waiting for two hours (ook!) we did get good seats. The new theatre is fantastic for room but I don't suggest people put their drinks in their drink holder beside me cause I spread out a bit. Well I went with 8 other people and it was great till I decided to leave and get snacks. When I came back ( I had purposely told everyone to let me have the seat on the outside of all of us for the room) this woman had moved into the seat beside mind. I nicely suggested she move her drink or it would get squished as I sat down. She looked at me like I was some sort of an alien and I repeated myself and she freaked on me and was really ignorant. She finally moved over a seat with her friend all the while bitching and belly aching. I actually said something to the effect of sorry I was fat to her and she had the balls to tell me that had I had special needs I ought to tell her of it!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell? Those of you that know me; well just imagine what I had to say to her. I was soooooo mad. Special needs!!!@! I'm fat for gods sake! AND I was there first so bite me. Needless to say I was envisioning things when later during the movie I had to get up to go pee. I so wanted to trip on her "accidentally" and land in her lap. My new BMI would have felt wonderful I'm sure!!! LOL I couldn't do it. I am 40 after all.

And that is my current update! Talk soon!

Relaxing and Going with the Flow

So I woke up this morning determined to make a few changes and be proactive. I've heard that this situation with OHIP has happened before and maybe this time it's not going to be confirmed again. I certainly hope not. It's crazy. I decided to call all of the assessment centres and get referrals to them from my doctor. I spoke to each person that would talk to me or left messages. It's fairly complicated.

If I get referred to Ottawa, from what I was told today, there is about a 2 month wait for assessment, then apparently if your BMI is over 50 they automatically send you to Utica (Duh!!). I called Windsor, the wait is a bit longer but they refer you to Henry Ford down that end of the province. That's not overly convenient for me. I also spoke to them at Guelph and if you get an assessment there you have to get the surgery there. There are a ton of steps involved with being referred there and getting the surgery and your looking at at least a year or more to get in. Crazy.

Needless to say, I've got a referral going out to St. Joes in Hamilton (This was the original back up referral but I found out we need a correct referral form), A referral to Ottawa and to Windsor. Just in case. Worst case scenario, I wait a bit longer. I have to get this done so if I have to wait, that's okay. I faxed everything including a letter to my doctor since I don't have another appointment with her for another three weeks. I called after and explained, as I said in the letter, that it's basically their error that has caused this to become an issue for me and if it's at all possible, can they be extra extra sure she looks at it asap. They told me they would put it on top of her pile. Trust me, I'll be calling. I only hope my pain doesn't get worse and my health get more complicated. Right now I have a healthy heart and my pancreas isn't in the greatest of shapes, I just have to keep hoping that things will not get worse before I can get in.

I will keep my appointment with Dr. Graber Jan 8th (Still looking for someone to come with me. Free hotel stay! No gas to pay nothing! Just need someone to talk to to keep me awake.) I figure it won't hurt to continue with everything until I hear differently. I refuse to get stressed and worry and cause more health issues.

I have decided to chill out on my eating habits. They've gotten a bit crazy. I want to get back to the way I was eating with Weight Watchers but maybe not so strict until I have to be. I feel crappy not eating the proper meals and food groups. Once I decided to do this surgery I went a bit nutty! I can't keep doing this to myself until I get the consult and surgery or I'll even have bigger hurtles to get over once I've gotten my surgery done. I'll talk more about this soon. Its a "baby steps" thing for me to make it a habit. It will be good for me in the end.

So I wait. I'm to call the OOC office next week so I'll get on that and be patient in the meantime. If I do get bad news I will be contacting the government Ombudsman. I've been told because the original date on my application is Sept 26 and my doctor can back up the error from her office, there is a slight chance I can fight this. Let's stay positive and hope for the best and things will work out great!

Till we talk again!

Fear of Loosing Hope Instead of Weight

So you've all read my recent rants about my doctors office and my application for out of country surgery coverage. Well I thought everything was back on track and I've now found out that for some ungodly reason, OHIP is attempting to make our lives hell and make the journey to regain our lives and health back more difficult. It's not as if our lives are already difficult and every decision we make or take harder than most.

Apparently as of November 4th anyone that has applied is now going to have to visit an Ontario Assessment Centre to determine if weight loss surgery is urgent enough to require leaving the country to get it done. Instead they want to eliminate the less urgent cases and make them wait the insane waiting times in Ontario and get it done here. It's simply awful. The worst of it is that originally my application was supposed to be there Sept 26 and because of the moron at the clinic, I'm going to get the run around if this occurs.

From what I've read, and none of this has been confirmed yet, but the waiting times for assessment is going to be ridiculous and make it seem almost useless to even go out of country in the first place. Seems to me the waiting times will be just as bad, if not worse now. What are they thinking? I'm so frustrated and upset right now. I am trying not to get worked up over it until I hear for sure but I had strongly felt that now that my form was in, that things would be moving forward nicely now.

I went shopping in Watertown this past weekend. Just to get a bit of my xmas shopping done before the stores get crazy. I normally like to go out for lunch when I visit because they have some pretty fun places to eat that we don't have here. Unfortunately, although I thoroughly enjoyed my time that day and the company I was with, my weight issues were thrown hard and fast at me again. We went to the Texas Roadhouse; inexpensive and the food is great. I had been there before but had sat at a table so this was not an issue the last time I went.

The place was pretty busy so we were given the first seating available. Normally I would ask for a table but we decided to try a booth after finding out the wait would be crazy for a table. We also asked because a friend of mine I was with had just had surgery and did not want to sit in a booth so she wouldn't irritate her stitches. Anyway, I slid into the booth but there was so much focus on me that I was embarrassed that I literally felt like I had to be buttered to fit. Then because my friend decided to sit in a chair at the end of the table instead of in the booth they asked us to move a booth down. For some reason, I couldn't even slightly fit into that booth!! We had to move everything again back to the other booth we started with!

So at this point I'm so mortified by my weight that I ended up doing the crazy routine behaviour I do when I get upset; I eat. I literally pigged out. Let's just say I was so turned around and inside out about my weight that it was not a good experience. It's amazing how people notice how much you eat but explaining why really isn't something I like to do. It's a stupid excuse.

Anyway, it's moments like this lately where I've felt I had a bit of hope with my future and with life. For the last year or so I've been living my life preparing and thinking of my future to include handicapped equipment and a wheel chair because most likely I won't be walking in a few years if things continue. So when I finally decided to move forward with the surgery, I had hope again. I started thinking differently. I feel different when moments like not fitting in a booth happen. Instead of being sad and depressed for the most part, I have a moment thinking that things will be okay in the future and I won't have to deal with this so I can breath again and carry that hope with me.

And now? With this new news regarding my application, god alone only knows where my hope is now. I feel like I've lost it or rather I still have it for the time being until things are confirmed and I'm trying to think positive but I'm sad and afraid. I was accepting the new way of living I had planned to adapt, I was happy to believe I could live a life of a little less pain and get rid of a few prescriptions I take. If you've been following my blog entries, you know where my hope was leading. I'm so afraid this one step is just going to postpone things for so long that I may need to get my other knee done or my blood sugars will get so bad that my pancreas gives up on me or I have to go on insulin. There was a reason why I applied for Out of Country, to avoid the waiting period. And now what?

I'll see you next time. Hopefully it will be with good news.

Back on Track Again

So I went to go see my doctor today. When I walked into the office I asked them if they had located my application for OOC (If you haven't read my other post, I had applied Sept 26, it was to be faxed that day, I called last friday and it was to be faxed again, then lost after that.) and she told me that she had been attempting to fax it out everyday since Sept 26, several times a day and even got a different number but was constantly have issues. This was an entirely different story from a different secretary. I was a bit confused at that point since last I heard from the other (and it's not that big of a place!) they had lost it!

So when I finally got in to see my doctor she was shocked that this person told me what they had said about continuing to try to fax when even she had heard they had misplaced my app. She couldn't apologize to me enough and since I know she supports me more than 100%, I was okay with that. She did tell me that she wanted to talk to the office manager regarding this person because apparently this was not her first time lying and bsing the patients. She said that is not how they want the clinic to be run. When she came back I mentioned I was a bit concerned about what would happen with my lab work, etc when it was time for the actual surgery and she basically reassured me that this person will not be working there much longer.

Wow! On one hand I feel horrible that they are going to fire someone with my situation being the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back but on the other hand I'm relieved because I strongly feel that was negligence on her part and disregard for me as a human being. We need to be able to trust not only our doctors but the people that work for them as well. At least everything is handled now.

So what it ended up with is they located my form, I told them not to bother trying to fax it anymore and I brought it home to fax with a new letter and other information I wanted to include. And ... guess what? I only had to fax it once!!!!!!!! It went thru with no problems at all.

And now, I wait. AGAIN! Although this time I will call next week to see if they received it. I'm a bit frustrated that I'm starting all over again but at least this time it was in my hands to be sure it got there and not someone who obviously has no regard for my well being. I'm frustrated I lost six weeks of waiting time but happy because I'm back on track again!

More and More Frustrations!

I'm so upset right now that I'm actually crying while I write this. I had done the whole OHIP thing last week and was reassured by my doctors office that they would send the form off once more to OHIP for me. I've been trying to call the OOC office all week and finally heard from them this morning. Guess what? Still no record of my application. I spoke to a really nice lady who understands my frustration and said she'd check the paper records as well as the computer and there is nothing there.

Imagine this; I'm just waking up and starting my day. I felt pretty decent and ready to approach the day. The phone rings and it's a government number so I grab it up expecting excellent news. Imagine how I feel now. So ... I called my doctors office again only to find out she didn't fax it again on Friday because the form is NOT in my folder and she CAN'T FIND MY FORM!!!! WHAT???????!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?

So now what? I don't understand this. Does nobody care about anything other than themselves anymore? Do they not get how important this is for me? Apparently the secretary left a note for my doctor to talk to her about it but guess what? She hasn't spoken to her about it. What happened to being proactive???? What about lets says a little interest in other people!!!!!!!

To say I'm upset is a bit of an understatement. To be able to vent on here is great since I'm only mad now, not crying. But I don't get it!!!!! I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I guess we have to go thru the whole thing all over again. I'm quite simply pissed off. It's a darn good thing that I am not in a rush to have this all taken care of. I only hope that once OHIP receives my paperwork, that it doesn't take ten months to get a decision!!!

Drawbacks and Frustrations - THINK POSITIVE!!

So here I was, thinking everything was moving along nicely and I was trying to be patient and not be pushy to only discover I shouldn't have been biding my time! After sitting on the thought for about a week or so, I finally decided to call OHIP to "confirm" they received my application and to perhaps get a clue as to how much longer it was going to take to get an answer. Well, after spelling my last name three times only to have her tell me that Oh, it's on the phone (lol), she tells me they have NO RECORD of receiving anything from me! Argh!!!!!

She said she was going to jump on it immediately.

I was so frustrated. Instead of reacting the wrong way I quickly told her I would call my doctors office immediately and get it sent out again. So I did that. When I called my doctors office they sounded thrilled to hear from me for some strange reason (It always amazes me when busy places like that remember me! lol) and let me know that they had had a phone call about me. I was a bit confused until she told me it was Dr. Grabers office and that they had an issue with a fax that had been requested but it was all fine. I did get a bit excited thinking it had been OHIP but apparently not. Anyway, the bottom line was she was surprised OHIP hadn't received my files but apparently she said she was going to jump on it immediately and do it for me.

Waiting for five weeks to hear something and it was all null and void!

I was really disappointed to discover it's like I'm starting all over again. I have been waiting for five weeks to hear something and it was all null and void! BUT ... I can't look at it with negativity. Since I've applied I have learned a ton of new information and met a ton of new and wonderful people. I have been reading and reading and absorbing as much as I can. I'm still really excited to move forward with my new life but I need to be patient and let it happen on its own timing.

My doctor is 100% behind me

So, on Monday I'll call OHIP again and see if they received anything. If they haven't, I may go down to the doctors office and pick up the form and send it out by purolator myself. I know my doctor is 100% behind me and is willing to do just about anything to be sure I succeed with this so I definitely know they did not sit on it and not send it. I just have to learn to be more patient.

Me patient? lol That is funny even to me let alone to anyone that knows me. Sometimes when I decide to do things I'm gung ho and get it done asap. While other things I decide to do I can take ten years to mull it over and either finally move forward with it or not do it at all. So, I have to realize that I've been thinking about this surgery for around five years, last year only just deciding to look into it if I didn't do well with WWatchers so waiting a few more weeks will not kill me. Especially since I have to wait to march to actually get the surgery because of work.

Anyway, it's sunny and nice outside. I'm off to VAnderwater conservation area to walk the dogs. Must get some sun. Till next time!

New Friends, New Information and New Coping

So the last time I wrote I was a bit stressed out. I had learned more about the Duodenal Switch versus the Roux-En-Y surgeries and what I had learned had swayed me and led me to believe I was going in the wrong direction. Since then, I've discovered that my original decision is the best choice for me. Between posting on the OH forums and talking to both people who have had it and a wonderful new person I met at the support group, I've decided I am fine with where I'm going with what I've decided.

For once, I cannot believe it, I'm not fat enough!

I had been frightened I wouldn't be capable of following the diet that is required with the RNY surgery. With the DS surgery I would be able to eat what I want and not worry too much about things other than stinky bowel movements. But since I've looked into it, I've discovered that this surgery is not covered by OHIP because of the high risk of it. The chances of negative side effects from this surgery are a lot higher than the RNY and it's a much more complicated surgery. Apparently OHIP will no longer cover it because (visit www.dsfacts.com and see the page on the ontario folks) of the high risks involved and the need for many follow ups in comparison to the RNY. I've since also learned that although OHIP will not cover this, they've since amended it that they will cover people with a BMI of 60 or above. For once, I cannot believe it, I'm not fat enough!

So back on track I am and feeling good. Especially since yesterday was my first support group with various people who have had the surgery or are about to. I met some fantastic people and feel extremely relieved and happy that I decided to move forward with this. They were incredibly encouraging and answered a lot of my questions for me. I look forward to learning more about their experiences and their lives now. It's opened up so many different forms of support for me. There are several groups in the area that I can and will attend as I can and I look forward to learning so much more.

To pick me up if I fall down or encourage me ...

Just knowing there are so many wonderful people to pick me up if I fall down or encourage me when I may or may not have have some down times. I'm actually really excited now and I truly wish work wasn't interfering in this. I'm having to postpone things so much further because of the times of the year. I have to accept this and most likely I couldn't live with myself if I had to let my boss down. So I must be patient and in the meantime I will learn as much as I can.

I'm not going to even worry about it any longer.

I feel good today. More relaxed. Since I was at the group session yesterday I feel so much more calmer. The whole DS surgery threw me into a bit of a panic and since I don't have a hope in hell of being covered for it nor to be able to save $18, 000.00 to save for it (I had called a Surgeon in Pennsylvania for more information.) I'm not going to even worry about it any longer.

It would mean a whole new world for me.

It's a whole new world out there for me now and while I'm waiting for my new life to start I'm going to attempt to start a few of the changes I'll need to do after the surgery. One person suggested that possibly within a year after I may weigh 150lbs??!?!?! That simply flabbergasts me. I cannot see that at all but perhaps it is possible. It would mean a whole new world for me. There are so many things I want to do but cannot because my weight and the pain brought on from it stops me.

I was a bit concerned about not hearing from OHIP yet on my application for out of country surgery but apparently some people have been approved with no comorbities other than a high BMI. Since mine is fairly high, 48, then I'm hoping that along with the several comorbities I do have that they will approve. It's definitely the first hurtle and hopefully I will hear something soon. Then I can really get enthused.

Thanks to everyone for following my steps so far. See you soon!

Talk About Tossing in a Loop

I've suddenly developed a bit of a confusion. As I was continuing to read thru the posts as I do daily at the obesity forums, I started to see more and more information coming up regarding the Duodenal Switch surgery. Now I have an issue. It seems this surgery may be more suitable to me. I hadn't realized this was something I could have done as well. I had seen the surgery but hadn't read much on it.

So, now I basically have to dig deeper. I've posted to the forum and am hoping to find some people who can share more information and support. I have a ton of new questions and need answers from some professionals on this as well.

More of an update to come. See you soon!

Moving Forward Into My 41st Year

So I survived my birthday yesterday. I turned forty without my world crashing around me. I thought for sure I would get all sad and depressed because I wasn't where I wanted to be at this point of my life but I was fine. I think I'm more fine now that I have ever been in my life. My decision to go ahead with the weight loss surgery has been the most comforting decision I have ever made. I feel for once I may actually be able to get my life back. That there may actually be a future for me without pain and discomfort.

Be proud of a physical accomplishment.

I'm excited because I just may be able to get back on my bike sooner rather than never like I had once felt. I love to take long bike rides and push myself by biking further and further each time I ride. I remember my bike ride to the sandbanks many years ago and how proud I was of my accomplishment. 84 km was a long ride! And it didn't take me 20 hours, only 6.5! I finally believe I may actually be able to do something like that again. To feel that way again and be proud of a physical accomplishment. I had stopped believing I would feel that again.

I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm settled ...

I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm settled and I seriously feel like I'm taking control of my life again. Certainly it's going to be a long haul and a lot of hard work but I know it's possible. Today is a good day and so will tomorrow and the next and the next! Of course I do realize there will be bad days but I believe in the end it will be worth it.

So today I finally decided to post on the obesity help forums. I hope to meet people from around here who are going thru what I'm going thru but if they aren't around here, I certainly feel confident I will make many friends and receive much support from there.

Short post for today! Till we meet again!

Futilely Sending my Support to a Friend

I know it's been a few days since I have posted but life has been a bit crazy. It normally is this time of the year being that Christmas starts now for the company I help do the marketing for and my millstone 40th birthday coming up. My parents came to visit for the weekend and although it wasn't a perfect visit, it was great to see them.

They do say Life Begins at Forty!

Funny, I've gone my whole life attempting to have the "world" learn to accept me for who and what I am and I always believed that by the time I was 40 I would never have to be judged by anyone nor care what others think so much. They do say Life Begins at Forty! We'll see but the few weeks moving towards my 40th were whacked for lack of better terms.

I am the most positive and the most persevering person there is ...

It seems although that I completely believe things happen for a reason, that maybe those reasons aren't as clear as we think they are. I wrote of a friend who helped guide me towards my decision in my earlier posts, Deliska. She is actually in the hospital today on her way to get her surgery done today at around noon. Unfortunately I won't know how things go because she took it upon herself to cut me out of her life by judging me to be too negative to be a part of her life. Strange but true. Everyone that knows me, knows I am the most positive and the most persevering person there is to know if you get to know me well enough. She decided to not take that opportunity and proceeded to judge me as something I'm not.

Unsettling to me to have to deal with such grade school behaviour.

As humans, I think we are all predisposed to being negative. It's amusing to read her blog the last few days and see the negative turn of her posts but I understand that this is most likely the stress speaking in loud clear terms. It's sad to me to of not had the opportunity to get to know her better and become closer friends although I feel she jumped the gun rather quickly; feeling she knew me when she really didn't. It's really unsettling to me to have to deal with such grade school behaviour at this point of my life. Regardless, I resent what happened but since I understand how difficult this journey towards the surgery and the actual performance of it, I can't help but think about her today and hope that everything goes well for her.

I'm not atheist but more confused that anything.

It's funny, several times over the last few weeks I've had religion thrown in my face over and over again. Maybe thats stronger than what I should say but I'm not an overly religious person. I'm not atheist but more confused that anything. I won't get into it but I will just say that there have been many times that I felt the need to say "You are in my prayers and I will be thinking of you." But I don't pray and I couldn't replace that with anything else. It's the same for Deliska today. The only other thing I can say is she is in my thoughts and I will keep my fingers crossed that it all goes well.

Thank goodness for the forums I have been visiting. It's another source of support for me with people who have either gone thru the surgery I am getting or the lapband. I haven't posted yet but apparently you can find an "angel" who will be by your side to answer questions, etc during the journey. There are a ton of people on there from all over the world with a ton of answers and experiences to share. It's called: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/

Patience is a virtue they say!

I was also supposed to go to a weight loss support group this past weekend but it was rescheduled to this weekend. I'm looking forward to meeting new people and learning more. I'm anxious to move forward with this but there isn't anything I can do until first of all I am approved by OHIP (Takes two months and has only been a month so far.) and wait for my initial consultation appointment in January. Patience is a virtue they say!

Till next time.

My Love Affair With Food

So of course everyone has had the "bad" relationship; myself included. I've had a few. I've always believed that as long as you learn something from them, there's a reason for them to of happened. Each of them eventually make you who you are and usually that's not such a bad thing. So what happens when that relationship is with something you can't live without?

I was a pretty easy target since I was so gullible .

As early as I can remember food has been a large part of my life. I actually mean way more so than anyone else I know. (Bare with me by the way, this post is one of the hardest for me so far. Very personal.) When I was young I was seriously teased (or bullied if you want to use a more modern term). It was, from my memories, some pretty intense teasing. I remembered being the target of some nasty people growing up. I guess I was a pretty easy target since I was so gullible I believed almost everything I was told. Most of the time the result of my belief ended up being a huge disappointment.

Coming home from school in tears to find lemon meringue pies.

It started young for me, my relationship with food. I learned really young to find comfort in sweets and home made yummys. Some of my earliest memories are of my coming home from school in tears to find lemon meringue pies or nuns legs, or something sweet ready for me. It never failed to help me to temporarily forget how bad of a day I had and it gave me a ton of comfort very early in my life.

Food never let me down and it was always there when I needed it.

Of course when I was young I can't really say I thought of things this way but it just became a habit. The older I got the easier the access. I remember high school and the same comfort in food was there for me too. So from public school to high school food has been my friend, my rock, my comfort. Even when I moved away from home I still had my love affair with food. When I was involved with the wrong men, the wrong people, the wrong drugs, the wrong job, the wrong whatever, food was there for me to make me feel better.

Of course the bigger I got the more I ate

Of course the older I became the more I realized that although food made me feel good, it also wasn't good for me. I started to put on weight when I was around 10 or so. I was always taller and bigger boned as a child so the teasing began younger and so did my bad habits of eating to feel good and eating to deal with things. So of course the bigger I got the more I ate because I started to get depressed about my weight.

Now the cycle of what people call yo-yo dieting kicks in and I lose some weight and do really well for a certain amount of time and then I fall off the wagon, feel bad and start eating like hell again. It's a never ending cycle and each time I gain the weight back and then some! Even being totally aware of my comfort eating really never has done me any good. I can control it for a certain amount of time but as a life long habit, it kicks back in again.

You literally, physically cannot eat what you used to be able to eat.

I questioned my decision at first about whether or not I should actually do this surgery because the same issues will be there after I'm done but my stomach will just be smaller. From what I've been learning lately, this is a common problem for many people who have had the surgery and as a result of the surgery your diet management is aided by having a smaller stomach. It's not a controller per say but a "helper". You literally, physically cannot eat what you used to be able to eat. Your body completely changes it requirements and tolerance for almost everything that goes in your mouth.

I've read about something called a dumping. This is caused by eating something that your body can no longer tolerate. Typically it's sugar but can be other foods like dairy. They say it's almost like food poisoning; the shakes, the runs, stomach pains and passing out. Apparently if you cheat, you don't do it again any time soon. Sounds terrible nasty but better than a lot of the side effects of being fat that I'm currently dealing with.

I keep hoping that "tomorrow" I'll do better.

Ever since I quit weight watchers my eating habits have gone all over the place. I'm an absolute mess and I am constantly craving foods I haven't eaten in ages. I'm having a hard time getting myself back on track eating well and I keep hoping that "tomorrow" I'll do better. I think I've written enough for today though. I would like to purge more on this subject so I think I'll do that next time.

See you soon!

Non-Existent Support System - Reality or Not?

When starting the whole process of deciding as to whether or not I was going to do this surgery, I had to ask myself if I had enough of a support system to be able to go through it all successfully. There is so much involved in the whole thing that being alone through it really isn't an option.

I'm okay being on my own.

After my many wasted years with my ex Rick and my many ridiculous relationships prior to him, I'm finding myself alone at this point in my life. Although I really don't mind since for the most part, I'm okay being on my own but when dealing with such a life altering change, it would really be good to have some sort of a support system. So in the beginning of my process I felt so scared and alone but as I researched, learned and spoke to more and more people I found myself gathering support from people I hadn't realized were there to begin with!

There are side effects which may happen, including death.

Since I am getting the surgery done in Utica, New York it makes sense that I will need someone to drive me home from the hospital after the surgery. I will be staying in the hospital 3 or 4 days depending on whether there are complications or not and I will not be in any shape to be driving myself home. The surgery is laproscopic which offers less of a chance of complications but one never knows and they do warn you there are side effects which may happen, including death.

So I have to be honest about this. I truly believed my parents would be the ones that would be there for me since they have always been the ones to pick me up when I fell down or needed help of any kind in my life. Funny it never occurred to me that they would not be able to do it this time. After talking to them I completely understand their reasons but initially I was completely panicked about who would be there for me. It never occurred to me to ask anyone else I knew since I never had to ask before.

It is going to be all on me ...

As I looked into things I came to the conclusion that whomever I asked to do this with me would get a free hotel room, free food, free gas, free car rental with me and if they needed it, passport fees. It's a lot to ask someone to take the time to be there for me and to even take time off work on top of everything! It is going to be all on me since I have plenty of time to save for it.

When I went to visit my friend Deliska (I'm allowed to mention her name now!) and went to the show in Ottawa, she mentioned that she'd be willing to be there for me. Although we don't know each other very well, we have alot in common and are very understanding about what each of us is going through whether our reasons are the same or not. I completely appreciate the offer from her but I had decided at that point to discuss things with my best friend Cathy.

I feel very relieved I have my surgery buddy!

I've known Cathy for many years and a lot of you reading this know her as well. She's one of the kindest most giving people I have ever met in my life. She's honest and has always been there for me and means almost as much to me as my own family does. She's the next best thing to another sister as she can be without being related. So when I spoke to her I was so relieved to hear she would do it if she could. Since I haven't gotten my surgery date yet it can't all be decided 100% yet but I feel very relieved I have my surgery buddy! Thanks Cathy!!!

A hard time asking things from people.

I have always had a hard time asking things from people. I've always turned to my family when I need support and counting on someone outside of my family is frustrating because I hate to put that one someone else. Although I'm thankful for it because I've heard the weeks before the surgery can be an emotional rollercoaster and it will take someone that understands you well enough to put up with you! I feel for her!

So, on another note, I've really been surprised with how many people have sent me notes and comments regarding my decision. It's been amazing to hear the encouragement from everyone and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It's been difficult to be so open and honest and I know I've only just started this whole thing but it's not something I'm good at anymore. When you get hurt a lot, you start to keep things inside but I know that's not necessary at this point. It's all about taking control of my life again and learning to live!

Someone from Madoc that I am looking forward to meeting.

The hospital program in Utica is actually fairly thorough in what they do as well. They seem to have taken every single thing in consideration and actually gears their program to Canadian patients. The most amazing thing of all is there is actually a support group here in Belleville that I can attend with people who have actually gone through the surgery or are going to be having it done. There is actually someone from Madoc that I am looking forward to meeting who had the surgery done with Dr. Graber a year ago. I cannot wait to hear her story.

Strong enough to deal with this head-on and gutsy enough to do it!

As I mentioned in my first blog, a big part of the guidance and knowledge base I have recieved on this whole adventure has come from a good friend who is having the surgery done October 27. I have been following Deliska's steps and progress since she's gone "public" with her decision and am so gracious that she has opened up to me with her honesty and feelings. She's an amazing person too. Strong enough to deal with this head-on and gutsy enough to do it! Considering we met when we were toddlers growing up in Elliot Lake, getting to know her again this many years later has become an amazing moment in my life. I always say things happen for a reason and finding her on Facebook started me towards this decsion. Thanks Dee!

See you soon!

Pain - Lets get it over with already.

So most of you know I like to be active. For someone who is as heavy as I am, I'm on the go quite often. Unfortunately it's not as much as I'd like to be but each time I do, I'm grateful for what I can do. I wake up on the weekends and decide where I'd like to go exploring that day. I have to consider a few things before I can actually go through with my adventures.

I promise my posts will not be about my aches and pains.

I have to consider first and foremost the level of pain I am already in because of my osteoarthritis. Once thats taken into consideration I can rate how much relief I can get by taking 2 Tylenol 3's and if it's worth it to not be able to walk by end of day. Usually I'm okay with that since I really don't have much of a life at the moment and I can rest during the evenings while I work. So with this in mind I leave for my hike. On my way I'm thinking about how far I'd love to go and I'm hoping it's comfortable enough for me to wear my special shoes with the high heels because of the pain I have in my heels and how it rarely if ever goes away. I can't wear normal hiking boots because the stretch and the rub of them just about tortures me to death and I limp thru the hike instead of enjoying it. (Don't even ask what I'm going to do in the winter!!). By the way, I promise my posts will not be about my aches and pains; I actually have a point in this.

I'm excited and I'm doing okay.

So, using today and yesterday for example, I'd decided to go to Vanderwater and Frinks and walk with the dogs. I go as far as I can go and usually am pretty optimistic that I can spend the afternoon out and about and on the move. I start out sore but limber up rather quickly. I'm usually a bit winded when I first start but it tends to balance out a bit and unless there's a lot of hills, I'm okay with the breathing parts. So here I am, my favorite time of the year, doing my favorite things with my favorite company. I'm excited and I'm doing okay.

I look ahead of me and wish I could go farther.

Less then half way into the walk the pain starts. I ache. I hurt. I'm starting to sweat from it. I'm becoming disappointed because instead of a full afternoon of walking, it's going to be a lot less. God forbid I lose my sense of direction when I'm out walking because that means it's going to be a lot longer before I can sit and get some relief. I'll take breaks and such but it's not enough. The intensity of pain is pretty severe by the time I get back to my car and breath a sigh of relief. I do have to admit that over the past year I have slowly increased the distance I can walk but for the most part I look ahead of me and wish I could go farther. I have a tendancy to believe that I can go much farther than I really can and it's such a disappointment to me.

I believe I am at least 150lbs overweight!

This is my point for all of this. Has anyone seen that commercial for Jenny Craig where Valerie what's her name lifts the pumpkin up and tells us it weighs 40lbs and can you imagine thats what she lost and her actually carrying it on her let alone lifting it? Well imagine this; although I'm not one hundred percent sure of my goal weight at this point in time but I believe I am at least 150lbs overweight! Is that not crazy!? So imagine me on my hikes and what my joints are feeling and what my heart is screaming at me, not to mention my lungs. It's absolutely insane that I have so totally lost control of my body and have allowed it to get to this point.

Most normal people can diet and exercise.

So in my books, this is reason number one for me to be satisfied with my decision to go through with this surgery. Nevermind the fact that I wake up in the mornings in pain but each day I deal with the same BS. Most normal people can diet and exercise and lose weight with general ease but in my case I can only do it by diet right now. I cannot push my body as hard as I used to. I watch The Biggest Loser and wish I could work out as hard as they do. I would push myself but the pain I suffer is just too much. (Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. That is not taking control.)

I promised myself that I would do something about my weight.

Most of you know that I've already had one knee replaced. The surgery was insane. Apparently everyone's experiences are different but I can tell you being fat while you get this type of surgery done is no walk in the park. No pun intended. It's super uncomfortable and very difficult to complete the exercises you need to do and to just simply deal with recovery. I managed of course but I promised myself that I would do something about my weight before I have to get the other done (It is inevitable but I can put it off physically with weight loss.).

I rode(my bike) to the sandbanks and back 6 years ago!

Let's just say before I write a book on this. That the idea of less pain is a fantastic reminder to me that this is what I need to do to get a better quality of life. At least part of it. I can imagine my future with my getting on my bike again (I rode to the sandbanks and back 6 years ago!). I can imagine going on long hikes and exhausting them before me. I can imagine being healthy and fit because I can actually do it this time because with the excess weight gone, I can get fit and motivate myself to feel what it feels to be enjoying life like the rest of the world does!

Things can only look up from here

Okay, so enough about pain. That's not what this is about. I've always felt like I talk about it too much. It's a sore point for me! ha ha. I've always been self conscious of it and thats okay. It's really understandable because it's been a big part of my life the last few years. I can be grateful I am no longer on morphine regularly and that things can only look up from here!!

See you next time!

All About Losing Control

Somewhere, somehow, sometime ago, I lost control of my life. It became something other than what I wanted it to be about. My life was ruled by food and dieting; with nothing but another diet to jump in the front car of the roller coaster with. I've had some success in the past. I've probably lost more in my life than the weight of several other people combined. It's been a crazy ride and now, because I've suggested someone else blog their experience, I've decided to start my own.

A complete waste of time and sometimes money.

Most of you know me and know my story. It's been one of heart breaks, disappointments combined with moments of success and happiness at my results. I think I've tried almost every diet there is to be tried and yet although some I've done well with, others have been a complete waste of time and sometimes money. I've done enough damage to my metabolism through the years with my "yo-yo" dieting to last a life time. I can tell you now, I've had enough.

Punishment for "fat people".

Thanks to a lot of strange yet pleasant coincidences I've come to a decision that has been in the back of my mind for many years now. One I've avoided because I was taught during my time at university getting a double degree in women's studies and sociology, that what I'm about to do is a punishment for "fat people". I've been told it was the easy way out; giving up perhaps. I wasn't sure what I believed in the past but I've always thought of what I'm going to do as a last resort for me.

Take control of the outcome of my own life

Instead of a last resort it's become a new beginning. A new way to live. A new way to think and a better quality of life (to use common terms). I've decided to get a gastric bypass done and learn to live my life differently. I've decided that I will not rule my life by food but by my self and learn to take control of the outcome of my own life. I feel at peace with this decision and I finally feel like it's doing something right for me.

The initial few posts may be a bit long and a bit personal. I apologize for that but I think it's important to get a lot of details in so everyone can understand where I'm going and where I'm coming from. I believe in situation like this that if there is the slightest chance of my experience helping someone else along the way, then fantastic, I'm all over that! Please ask me anything you feel the need to. I will do my best to be as open and honest as I can be.

My "discipline" began to fade away

Last year I joined weight watchers for the first time. My mother had joined and she was doing really well with the program so I decided to try it for myself. I said to myself that I would give myself a year to see a degree of difference and if I wasn't being successful that my next step would be to look into getting a bypass. By the spring, although I was doing fairly well (the most I managed to lose was 25lbs but 9 of those were from having to get emergency gall bladder surgery done). I was enthused by my progress but for some reason my "discipline" began to fade away and I started to over eat again. At some point in the spring, June I believe it was, an old friend came out of the wood work.

I won't mention any names at this point unless she says it's okay but we were childhood friends and by the luck of facebook, we hooked up again. She ended up coming for a visit and we got along wonderfully (considering how we both have incredibly strong personalities!). It was after this visit she decided to let me know she had made the decision to get gastric bypass done. She was in the process of getting approval from OHIP etc. She explained the process she was going through and over the next few months as I began to learn more with her assistance I started leaning towards the surgery myself. In September I went to Ottawa to meet the people from the hospital - the surgeons, the dietician and a couple of people who have gone thru the surgery. It was after this visit with my friend and the visit to Ottawa that I decided to do it myself.

Geared towards overweight people and gear everything to our comfort.

My first step was having my doctor prepared to approve my getting the surgery and have her fill out the paperwork to have it done out of country. A lot of people have asked why Utica, New York and not Toronto. I asked the same questions and have learned that the hospital in NY is geared towards overweight people and gear everything to our comfort. They also basically specialize in the Roux-N-Y surgery that I will be getting. According the Dr. Graber, the surgeon I spoke to, they do approximately 3600 surgeries a year while in Canada it's around 600 (Don't quote me on those numbers!). So due to the experience they seem to have and the specializing end of things, I think it's a great decision. Plus the waiting time isn't as long at all.

So with that said, this is the address of the hospital (http://www.drgrabermd.com/) that I'm in the process of working towards a surgery date. My initial consultation is January 8th with Dr. Graber (the reason for it being so late in the year is my job cannot spare me for time off until after christmas). I will be attending an 8am seminar that day and consulting with the surgeon the same day.

All in all I'm about 89% super excited and 11% petrified.

I'm sure that will change throughout the process but I'm attempting to get all my t's crossed and my i's dotted to make sure everything goes smoothly. Over the next few days I will be posting more information on what I will expect and what I've gone through, etc. I'm hoping to have everyone's support by posting to this blog and will hopefully be able to keep it up to date with my progress.