Fear of Loosing Hope Instead of Weight

So you've all read my recent rants about my doctors office and my application for out of country surgery coverage. Well I thought everything was back on track and I've now found out that for some ungodly reason, OHIP is attempting to make our lives hell and make the journey to regain our lives and health back more difficult. It's not as if our lives are already difficult and every decision we make or take harder than most.

Apparently as of November 4th anyone that has applied is now going to have to visit an Ontario Assessment Centre to determine if weight loss surgery is urgent enough to require leaving the country to get it done. Instead they want to eliminate the less urgent cases and make them wait the insane waiting times in Ontario and get it done here. It's simply awful. The worst of it is that originally my application was supposed to be there Sept 26 and because of the moron at the clinic, I'm going to get the run around if this occurs.

From what I've read, and none of this has been confirmed yet, but the waiting times for assessment is going to be ridiculous and make it seem almost useless to even go out of country in the first place. Seems to me the waiting times will be just as bad, if not worse now. What are they thinking? I'm so frustrated and upset right now. I am trying not to get worked up over it until I hear for sure but I had strongly felt that now that my form was in, that things would be moving forward nicely now.

I went shopping in Watertown this past weekend. Just to get a bit of my xmas shopping done before the stores get crazy. I normally like to go out for lunch when I visit because they have some pretty fun places to eat that we don't have here. Unfortunately, although I thoroughly enjoyed my time that day and the company I was with, my weight issues were thrown hard and fast at me again. We went to the Texas Roadhouse; inexpensive and the food is great. I had been there before but had sat at a table so this was not an issue the last time I went.

The place was pretty busy so we were given the first seating available. Normally I would ask for a table but we decided to try a booth after finding out the wait would be crazy for a table. We also asked because a friend of mine I was with had just had surgery and did not want to sit in a booth so she wouldn't irritate her stitches. Anyway, I slid into the booth but there was so much focus on me that I was embarrassed that I literally felt like I had to be buttered to fit. Then because my friend decided to sit in a chair at the end of the table instead of in the booth they asked us to move a booth down. For some reason, I couldn't even slightly fit into that booth!! We had to move everything again back to the other booth we started with!

So at this point I'm so mortified by my weight that I ended up doing the crazy routine behaviour I do when I get upset; I eat. I literally pigged out. Let's just say I was so turned around and inside out about my weight that it was not a good experience. It's amazing how people notice how much you eat but explaining why really isn't something I like to do. It's a stupid excuse.

Anyway, it's moments like this lately where I've felt I had a bit of hope with my future and with life. For the last year or so I've been living my life preparing and thinking of my future to include handicapped equipment and a wheel chair because most likely I won't be walking in a few years if things continue. So when I finally decided to move forward with the surgery, I had hope again. I started thinking differently. I feel different when moments like not fitting in a booth happen. Instead of being sad and depressed for the most part, I have a moment thinking that things will be okay in the future and I won't have to deal with this so I can breath again and carry that hope with me.

And now? With this new news regarding my application, god alone only knows where my hope is now. I feel like I've lost it or rather I still have it for the time being until things are confirmed and I'm trying to think positive but I'm sad and afraid. I was accepting the new way of living I had planned to adapt, I was happy to believe I could live a life of a little less pain and get rid of a few prescriptions I take. If you've been following my blog entries, you know where my hope was leading. I'm so afraid this one step is just going to postpone things for so long that I may need to get my other knee done or my blood sugars will get so bad that my pancreas gives up on me or I have to go on insulin. There was a reason why I applied for Out of Country, to avoid the waiting period. And now what?

I'll see you next time. Hopefully it will be with good news.