And the Roller Coaster Begins

I had a funny feeling that I would start to feel myself being on an emotional roller coaster and I've just proved myself right. I'm feeling horrible because I have been simply eating like crap for the last few days. I've been trying each day to wake up and say to myself that I would behave myself and be sure to start taking the necessary steps I need to once I've had the surgery. I know there are a lot of things I can't do physically but trying to eat better shouldn't be this hard.

I know it's what they call the last supper syndrome but I thought since I already went thru that when I first decided to have the surgery, that I wouldn't go thru it again. I am well aware of the fact that I am going to eventually be able to eat things that I eat now again someday. Which really isn't that important to me when I think about it since I plan on changing my life to be all about eating to live and not living to eat. I've lived my entire adult life around food and I want it to stop. Unfortunately I can't abstain but I'd like to get more control over this. I've been told that this way of thinking at this point it totally normal but it's really quite frightening!

I've spent the last few hours thinking things to myself like, "Can I do this?" "Am I capable at being successful with this new lifestyle I have to adopt?" "I'm so freaked out that I'm going to overeat!". These are my thoughts today although the other day I was thinking the opposite, with much more encouraging thoughts and behaviors.

I know I'm not allowed to gain weight before my surgery but I keep thinking to myself it's only two months away and that's plenty of time for me to break some habits. I keep setting deadlines or dates for myself for the next day or the next month because I've just screwed up again and again!

Sad thing is I have so much support but right now I don't want to talk to someone because I know it's normal and I know it will pass so I don't much want to be a pain in the ass to anyone to have to drag them down with me for the night. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and feel much better and then maybe the next day I'll start this emotional roller coaster all over again.

I'm pretty sure I'm being a bit hormonal too. I always find that when I'm dreaming and thinking about my ex quite often, I'm being hormonal because for the most part I don't' think of him. (Someday that will go away, I hope!). So I'm assuming that my being quite down today is all that tied in together.

To be honest, I'm super excited. It's literally going to be a whole new way of living, eating and thinking. I am very determined to nip these eating issues of mine in the bud and I've begun several steps to work on them. Some of them include support groups and working with my therapist but I've also discussed with a couple of members of my groups that I'd like to develop a program of sorts to work with people that have our particular eating addictions. Not to treat it like something similar to OH or Weight Watchers or anything like that but to really try to deal with the deep down issues. No twelve step stuff either but I'd like to work with a couple of the girls experiencing what I do and see what we can come up with. Nothing like personal experience to develop something that may just work!! I'm really looking forward to that part of things but want to start on it after surgery.

I'm really glad that I have Stephanie around as my angel and such but I feel silly sometimes when I feel like this because there is really no need for my feeling this way. I have fantastic support from both her and the other girls as well as my family. My sister is super excited for me and my parents although a bit concerned, are supporting me more now as well. I am pretty sure that if I go to bed tonite I will wake up tomorrow feeling so much better.

I called about hotels today and have decided that my parents are going to stay at the Radisson instead of the Red Roof even if it costs a bit more. They do offer a discount to people getting the surgery but are still twice as much as the Red Roof but it's also right downtown, closer to the hospital. Plus it has a pool, gym, hot tub and 2 double beds in the room. They can also request a microwave and they get free buffet breakfasts for 2 every morning. Plus unlimited internet and the use of two computers for free. Since I know this is pretty big for my parents, I want them to have the more comfortable of the options. Since I'm paying for everything, they will not have the choice! lol

I also called about travel insurance today too and it's actually only going to be $14 for six days for me. I spoke to my parents and because they are over 65 its more! So stupid! I'm going to call around still. I'm sure that since so many people spend a lot of their retirement in the states that there must be someplace a bit cheaper. Crazy.

So slowly I'm preparing. I wish my body would cooperate with me better. I so want to start organizing my house but when I'm in the mood for it, my body isn't. I'm simply too sore and the sad thing is I'm extra sore because I worked out this week twice! Stupid! I really hope that is a lot better when I've lost the weight!

Well, since I think I may just keep on belly aching and bitching; we'll chat another time.